When Mothering is Smothering

Raising children is a complex endeavor, and messy, too (in more ways than one).

At first, those little bundles of joy are completely dependent. But from the moment they’re born, the clock is ticking. In 18 years, they should be ready to move out on their own (in theory), prepared to handle life’s many challenges.

Yet more and more in the modern world, young men and women aren’t ready to take on the world. In some cases, their “helicopter” parents have left them unprepared.

These parents are everywhere, at every stage and age in a child’s life. Helicopter moms and dads intervene at the slightest whiff of a problem — in elementary school, middle school, high school and even college — often taking over in a child’s crisis and solving the problem singlehandedly.

They constantly check in by text or phone. Often they try to influence teachers, coaches or anyone else who might get in the way of their compulsion for control.

“It’s so sad,” psychologist Michael Ungar, who heads the Resilience Research Centre at Dalhousie University, said in Psychology Today. “The point of parenting should be to grow a child who is capable of taking on adult tasks.”

A recent study by professors at Brigham Young University found that even love didn’t mitigate the negative effects of helicoptering.

Parents are, of course, acting out of love. They want to protect their babies from a brutal world, and who can blame them? But a recent study by professors at Brigham Young University found even love didn’t mitigate the negative effects of helicoptering.

“From our past work, we thought there might be something positive about parenting under certain conditions, but we’re just not finding it,” study author Larry Nelson told Science Daily. “Overall, stepping in and doing for a child what the child developmentally should be doing for him or herself is negative.”

So why do they do it? The hovering parent feels a need to clear the path, to step in at the first sign of trouble, Psychology Today’s editor-at-large Hara Estroff Marano wrote in a blog post. One reason is that parents, unlike their children, don’t always keep growing, developing.

“Many parents want to continue the kinds of connection they had when their kids were younger; it feeds the illusion that the adults aren’t aging after all, and it keeps the adults from having to carve new roles for their own post-parenting lives,” Marano wrote.

Staying involved in a child’s life and seeking to control all aspects of it, however, are two different things.

Related: Big Brother May Be Your Brother

“I don’t mind my dad talking to me about my performance on the ice,” said one 17-year-old high school hockey player from the Boston area. “But if he went beyond that and complained to the coach, it would make me feel like a loser, and it would create problems with my relationship with my own coach.”

After a moment he blurted out, “I really hope he never does that!”

“I can fully understand coaching a child on how to fill in (college) applications and how to deal with admissions officers,” Ungar wrote. But filling out the actual college applications for them “is misguided and short-sighted.”

There is a clear difference between staying involved in your growing child’s life and seeking to control all aspects of it.

“This is not a strategy for long-term well being. It is always better to empower children to make good choices for themselves rather than having them remain dependent on parents to sort out problems for them.”

Some parents have trouble controlling their own impulse to teach or coach because they are former high-achievers themselves. Swimmer Dara Torres recently said that when her daughter takes swimming lessons, she leaves the building entirely, concerned that she, a former Olympic swimmer, might be that overbearing parent.

“I leave and go to dinner!” Torres said with a laugh, according to Today Parenting. “It keeps me from getting too involved or looking at coach and thinking, ‘Wait a minute ….’ ”

What’s more, kids with helicopter parents tend to be less open to new ideas, according to a study by Keene State College in New Hampshire. They are more vulnerable in general.

Next time you are inclined to step in on your child’s behalf, pause and ask yourself: Can my child handle the issue? At the very least, give him or her a chance to do so. So much of life is trying, failing, learning — and then succeeding.