Some people shrug off bad days and roll with the punches while everyone else is engaging in a pity party of gigantic proportions.
What is it these people have in abundance that the rest of us seem to lack?
And what if you could build this essential quality . . . in your kid?
Resilience is that mysterious quality. It is the ability to survive exceedingly difficult times and come out on the other side stronger, and even better, than one would ever expect.
In my line of work, the typical example of a resilient individual is one who grows up in dire circumstances, often a victim of abuse or neglect with parents suffering from addiction. Her basic needs were never entirely met. But despite this, she graduates near the top of her high school class, goes to college on a full scholarship, and soon is running her own business. When these stories are more fully explored, certain factors shed light on the magic mix that leads to resilience.
Now let’s be clear: No one is suggesting children benefit from poverty or neglect. Most people raised in these situations, in fact, face great struggles as adults. The more we can do to protect children in these situations, the better. The goal for parents and counselors is how do we build resiliency in all children, the ones growing up in heartbreaking situations, and the ones who have parents able and eager to address every need?
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What a Mom Can Do
One factor known integral in developing resiliency is the ability to negotiate difficult experiences. People who possess great resiliency have faced great challenges. This is where the most well-intentioned parents run into trouble, leading to the helicopter label and all the fretting about coddled kids.
Simply put, children need to struggle. The 5-year-old needs to get frustrated tying his shoes, the usually popular 9-year-old can learn much from being chosen last a few times, the 14-year-old can survive a particularly ill-tempered math teacher and the consequences of skipping some of those classes: “Hey, buddy, it’s summer school instead of soccer camp this year.”
At all ages, challenging experiences build a narrative of survival, creating a well of strength to draw on the next time life gets tough.
Related: When Mothering is Smothering
While experiencing challenges is vital to developing resiliency, it is not the only factor. Tough time after tough time alone won’t lead to a kid who can always bounce back. “Protective factors,” or aspects of life that stack the odds in a child’s favor, are the other side of the resiliency coin.
Find a Supporter
One protective factor is having a particularly strong connection to one or more caring adults. Yes, it can be parents, but it doesn’t exclusively need to be a mom or dad. This connection can be with a grandparent, a coach, a clergy member, or teacher. Really, anyone who believes in the young person is able to provide emotional support and encouragement, and simply be in that young person’s corner when perhaps no one else is.
It is essential for parents to give a little thought to who might assume this role when things are going well. Who’s going to help your tween navigate a particularly tough year of middle school when you are distracted by caring for aging parents or facing the reality of a marriage coming apart? Even the healthiest of families go through dark periods, and it’s these times when a child’s relationships with adults beyond immediate family can go a long way toward keeping them on track.
Find Your Niche
Another powerful key to building resiliency is pursuing a beloved activity or hobby. There’s the teen who always shows others how it is done at the skate park, or the youngster who becomes the history buff in the family and recites dates and details of all the Civil War battles. These kids have a passion. It doesn’t matter so much what it is; it’s “their thing,” and it is cool to them. This provides both a sense of accomplishment and a buffer against all the stuff that isn’t going so well in their life.
Related: Let Kids Break Things
The Takeaway for Parents
Let your kids struggle through some hard situations. But also make sure they know there is a lifeline available, someone they can reach out to if a situation becomes more than they can manage. And always encourage them to pursue their unique interests and passions.
Is this a guarantee they will bounce through life untouched by tragedy? Of course not — but it does predict that they will be better emotionally equipped to handle the rough patches that are part of every life.
Let’s remember that society as a whole can contribute to building resiliency in all children by supporting the elements of community and school that often get overlooked or chopped in budget cuts, such as after school clubs, mentoring organizations, and summer programs where kids can find a safe oasis.
If you are looking to be that all important lifeline for a child, consider mentoring through Big Brothers Big Sisters or become an advocate for a child in foster care through the Court Appointed Special Advocate program.
Jill Kaufmann, LMFT, is a family therapist in Bend, Oregon.
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