Reboot, Remake, Reimagine — Ridiculous

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result, Hollywood has never been more insane: It keeps remaking even mildly successful films — or re-re-making them, or reimagining them, rebooting them — or, in one case, even “unbooting” a lousy reboot.

Recent duds like “Ben Hur,” “Terminator Genisys,” or “Ghostbusters” ought to demonstrate that everyone else on the planet already knows something Hollywood hasn’t figured out yet: Even the fattest cash cows can get milked dry.

Even the fattest cash cows can get milked dry.

You might think a dedicated fanbase will scarf down any related slop you throw at them; you might think a random remix — swapping gender or race or location or whatever — is a daring reimagining; you might think you absolutely can’t fail if you throw millions of dollars’ worth of CGI at an older action or sci-fi flick.

You’d be wrong.

As you peruse this list of upcoming freezer-burned leftovers, keep in mind we’re not making any of this up:

‘Conan the Septuagenarian’
If you’re one of the 17 or 18 people who actually liked 2011’s “Conan the Barbarian,” go visit your doctor: Something’s wrong with your sense of smell.

Maybe they thought Jason Momoa would be a good replacement for Arnold Schwarzenegger, given that Momoa’s breakout character (Khal Drogo from “Game of Thrones”) couldn’t speak English much better than Arnold. But even with Morgan Freeman narrating, the movie sank like a bowling ball.

So Schwarzenegger shrugged his mighty shoulders and decided to make another sequel himself. Yep — he’s going to unboot Momoa’s reboot. Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman had the talent to pull off aging outlaws in “Unforgiven,” but Arnie’s acting chops may not be up to a 70-year-old Conan.

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‘Bill & Ted’s Extraneous Adventure’
Bill S. Preston, Esq., and Theodore “Ted” Logan, stars of  1989’s “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” traveled through time; changed history; died and went to hell; beat Death at Battleship, Clue, and Twister; married medieval princesses — and of course their music brought harmonic balance to the universe.

Excellent.

Now, what? Rewind the camcorder, dude: “Bill & Ted” star Alex Winter recently announced he’s been working on a third installment for Bill & Ted — starring Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Just kidding! The sequel will feature Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves, the original Bill and Ted. No word on what cruel adult protagonists the stars will face now that they’re in their 50s — a proctologist? High Rogaine prices?

Details are sketchy, but one major hurdle will be updating their time machine: Back in 1989, phone booths were already getting scarce, so no telling what tiny conveyance they’ll have to squeeze into now. We’d vote for a Smart Car.

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‘Commandoze’
A remake of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ’85 hit “Commando” has been bouncing around the Hollywood rumor mill for years. Arnold is too busy aging and playing Conan, of course, so Sam Worthington is the latest rumored star.

Also rumored: The new improved “Commando” will be really violent (unlike the original) and “real world.”

Here’s a hint, Hollywood: No one went to see “Commando” for realism.

‘Faked Gun’
“Naked Gun” is another remake that’s been on various back burners for a while. If it ever gets a green light, Ed Helms of “Hangover” fame is slated to replace the late Leslie Nielsen.

Yeah — not going to happen. You can’t just replace one artist with another and expect the same results, any more than you could hire Bob Ross to replace da Vinci and redo the Mona Lisa.

Remember when Hollywood decided any comedic actor is just as good as any other and remade “The Pink Panther” with Steve Martin in place of Peter Sellers? Remember how painful it was?

‘Nuff said.

Related: Hollywood’s Latest Obsession: Gender-Swapping

Here are a few more remakes you can look forward to (or dread) in the next year or so:

“The Crow,“ starring Jason Momoa as Eric Draven. At the beginning of “The Crow,” Eric Draven died. Just before the movie was completed, its star, Brandon Lee, also died. When you release a movie about a dead man starring a dead man, how do you top it? “The Crow: Superduper Dead”?

“Splash,“ starring Channing Tatum and Jillian Bell. It’s exactly the same, but with all the genders swapped! Because that worked so well for “Ghostbusters”! And, um… “Victor/Victoria”!

“The Birds,“ produced by Michael Bay. Apparently it’s not enough for the birds to attack people. Now they have to explode, too. Hey, Michael: Remember back in 1998 when someone else thought they could redo Hitchcock with a shot-for-shot remake of “Psycho”? Neither does anyone else.