Someone I know said he was thinking of buying me a vacuum for Christmas.

I thought about using the evil eye on this person, but given the holiday season and all, I tried a more adult response: “Oh, you shouldn’t.”

Close

(What I didn’t say was: “Oh, you wouldn’t!”)

“But we need a new one for the house,” he said. “Right?”

OK. It is time to clear the air.

Vacuums are noisy. They are clunky. They are ugly. This is why they live in closets most of the time, out of sight. They do very well in there. It suits them.

Vacuums, bless their hearts, are not natural Christmas gifts. They require determination to use and usually an electric outlet to run, which is a very bad sign.

You start throwing around concepts like “determination” and “electric outlets” and plugs and wires and such at this time of year, and you are taking yourself farther and farther away from the notion of great Christmas gifts for moms and into very dangerous territory.

There’s also this: These big old awkward household appliances look very odd propped up in front of the Christmas tree with acres of holiday wrap draped around them. It’s a terrible waste, really — plus it blocks the family’s view of the tree you just spent hours decorating.

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Also, the cat tends to jump on big boxes in front of the tree, which could knock that one remaining heirloom ornament from your grandmother’s mother, the one you bubble-wrapped for hours last year, right off the branches, which would also be a very bad thing, especially if it lands on the hardwood floor (the floor that does not need vacuuming).

For most moms, electrical appliances that are big and clunky and have to be switched “on” and carried around with a fair amount of muscle are not really considered joyful on the morning of Dec. 25 (although many of us do feel joyful once the house is clean, that is true). Things with handles, prongs, plugs, cords, wires and “on” buttons — not good.

Or, as another mom I know put it, “If I have to plug it in, crank it up or wipe it down, it is probably not welcome under my tree.” 

This is why, for moms who have worked their entire adult lives, for moms who are tired, needing to relax, happy to be with their kids, glad to stay in their pajamas for a few extra hours and tickled about reveling in the sweet chaos of bustling families on a wonderful and happy holiday, vacuums on Christmas Day are — objectionable.

So, when someone in your life is thinking of buying you this item for Christmas, you may have to put your foot down (or up, as the case may be — up on the couch).

Some moms may need a vacuum. This does not mean they want a vacuum. Not on the 25th, anyway. Maybe on the second (of January. Or February, when there’s not much else to do but clean).

Instead, for a Christmas gift for this type of mom, think sweet fuzzy slippers, a spa day gift card, jewelry, bath oils — lovely things of this nature.

Go for: Things that evoke an, “Ah……!”

Not for things that evoke an, “Oh no!”

Ladies, let’s help the guys whittle down these last-minute Christmas lists, shall we? It’s not purely selfish, after all. We are doing them a favor. We are making a very perplexing job a little easier. We are steering them away from things that would be a dreadful, horrible, very un-merry mistake. And no one wants mistakes at Christmas. We want joy, good will! We want peace! Harmony! Relaxation! Adoration!

In this spirit, here’s what to kill from the Christmas list:

  • a broom
  • a mop
  • a set of hangers
  • a door mat
  • a bath mat
  • shower curtains
  • cleaning utensils
  • knives
  • dish towels
  • a rolling pin
  • a step stool
  • an iron
  • an ironing board
  • a laundry basket
  • a sewing machine
  • paint brushes
  • a leash for the dog
  • a bowl for the cat
  • a small caged rodent for the kids (because you know who would wind up cleaning up after that)
  • any of  those “complete idiot’s guides” to cooking, cleaning, sewing, baking, upholstering, floor finishing, house painting, cabinet building or any other “-ing”
  • fruitcakes

I asked some friends what other “gifts” they would be happy to decline this year. Here’s what they revealed.

What We Really, Truly, Would Rather Not Receive This Year (But Thanks Anyway!)

  • “No pots. No pans. No pot holders. No bakeware. Nothing in cast iron, or non stick, or Corning ware, or stainless steel,” said a friend. “Really, I cook every night and I am grateful for all of my cookware, but enough! (It’s become a family joke so I’m sure I will get some again this year anyway.)”
  • “Nothing for the house. I am not the house!” said another.
  • “Not another electric pancake griddle. Please. I don’t even eat pancakes,” said another.
  • “No more collector baseball cards or wind-up airplanes,” one mom said. (And why is that? Because her sons shave, have girlfriends and have been driving for a few years now. Maybe they need vacuums?)