The Dangerous Lives of Cops’ Wives

The spouses of law enforcement officers from coast to coast face a spectrum of challenging emotions in the wake of the Dallas shootings.

LifeZette spoke to the wife of a police officer in Parker County, Texas, about her emotions and worries given the events of last week. She asked that her identity and that of her family be kept private, with community tensions escalating and as U.S. police departments are on high alert.

Related: Why the Police Need More Respect

This officer’s wife, age 37, has been married to her husband, who is 32, for nine years. They’re raising her 15-year-old daughter together. She watched the Dallas attack unfold from the livestream on Facebook while she was in the car with them.

“I felt mad,” she told LifeZette. “My husband kept saying, ‘Stop looking at that.’ I stayed up all night watching the television coverage. I saw the medical examiner’s van pull up to the hospital, and I watched them load the fallen officers into them as their fellow officers saluted. As a wife of an officer, you never want to see that — in the same way that a military officer’s wife never wants to see the folded American flag handed to a grieving family. I feel so sad for their wives.”

She continued, “I looked at my husband and just started praying — ‘Please keep him safe.’ I was so angry at this shooter that I felt like I could shoot him myself — but that’s how we got here, right? By people taking the law into their own hands. That is not the answer.”

“You have to learn to not sit around all day focusing on, ‘Oh my gosh, where is he? Is he OK?'”

This officer’s spouse notes that the Dallas officers were blamed for something they personally had nothing to do with. “The two events that started this occurred in Michigan and Louisiana, but five officers in Texas died because some guy felt he should take justice into his own hands. Yes, there are good cops and bad cops — but everybody’s a person, right? If an officer does something wrong, his department will investigate him and perform the correct actions to discipline him.”

She said that for the most part, her life as an officer’s wife is not too stressful — until something like Dallas happens. “Then your stress level goes real high,” she said. “My husband is good about getting in touch with me every couple of hours during shift — a call or a text to say, ‘Hey, what’s for dinner? I love you.’ And in a situation like Dallas, you do worry, so those check-ins are really important.”

She added, “I’m not as stressed when he’s working day shift in general — at least in the daylight he could see someone aiming a gun better than he could at night. I work during the day, so we do miss each other when he works nights.”

Being a police officer’s spouse, however, is not for everyone. This she made very clear.

Related: Wearing a Badge in a Volatile World

“You have to learn to not sit around all day focusing on, ‘Oh my gosh, where is he? Is he OK?’ kind of thing. You have to go on with daily activities. You focus on your own work, and on your kids. You keep your husband in your thoughts and prayers throughout the day. And he never, ever goes to work without giving me a kiss and telling me he loves me.”

Just as with three of the Dallas fallen, her husband was in the service — in his case, the Army — before he became a law officer. So she has also dealt with his multiple deployments to Afghanistan. “He’s gone from one dangerous job to another,” said this Texas wife. “I didn’t see him for nine months, then he came home for two weeks, and then he was gone another six months.”

[lz_bulleted_list title=”How to Keep a Law Enforcement Marriage Strong” source=”http://www.inpublicsafety.org”]Pay attention to your spouse when you walk in the front door.|Do not accept the workaholic lifestyle. Too much time apart from your spouse and family is not healthy.|Emotional detachment is needed for the job, but not at home.|Create date nights around your work schedule.|Be spontaneous. Let your spouse know your care and think about him or her often.|Seek the help of a marriage counselor or help with PTSD if needed.[/lz_bulleted_list]

She and her family practice the Mormon faith — and it helps her through the toughest times.

“Our church prays for my husband every day,” she said. “We have a lot of support from the church and the community — here in the towns of Parker County, we are very supportive of our officers. Last Friday, we had a prayer vigil for all the families and officers who had been killed or injured in Dallas.”

The children of a police officer are also experiencing heightened stress levels in the wake of the Dallas tragedy.

“My daughter worries, but we talk about it,” said this police spouse. “She was watching the Dallas situation, too, and the first thing she asked was, ‘Does he have to go there?’ She worries. She’ll say, ‘Did he call you today?'”

Dr. Olivia Johnson, a criminologist and founder of the Blue Wall Institute in Belleville, Illinois, trains first responders, first responder families, administrators, and police chaplains and clergy around the nation. They focus on wellness issues, suicide awareness and prevention, peer support, stress and anger management, and leadership issues.

Related: Chief Brown Lost His Own Son to Police Shooting

“I was the officer in my family, and I worked closely with a lot of officers’ spouses in our area,” Johnson said. “Spouses are thinking, ‘I don’t know how to deal with this and I’m scared.’ They don’t want to worry anybody, but many times they’re sitting at home alone, dealing with stress.”

She continued, “The person at home often doesn’t understand what the officer’s day-to-day job is like, and the officer doesn’t understand the stress of being the one at home — so they aren’t sharing with each other. An officer does not want to scare his spouse. But things change so quickly, as in Dallas, and as that spouse, you never know if your loved one is coming home, or coming back in one piece.”

Johnson said that faith has made the difference in handling the stress of her job. “I’m a Christian, and when I go to work, I know that whatever happens, if I don’t come home, my family knows my spiritual life was healthy. At Blue Wall Institute, we offer spiritual and emotional support to all people regardless of faith or denomination. For me, my belief tells me that I am going to heaven if I die. So that sets me at ease — and sets my family at ease, too.”

“You never know if your loved one is coming home, or coming back in one piece.”

It’s vital for spouses to understand that when an officer comes home, he or she often does not want to share everything right away. “Give them time to breathe,” Johnson advises. “And I tell the officers, ‘Your spouse doesn’t know that you maybe had a bad call before you came home.’ It’s all about communication, really. And this Dallas situation plays on you as a law enforcer. I don’t care who you are — tensions are high at home and on the street.”

Home, of course, should be a safe place where an officer can share everything with a partner or spouse, said Johnson.

“They need comfort, even though they might not ask for it. Hypervigilance is a risk after situations like Dallas. An officer is at work protecting others, but is also worrying about the family, too.”

Johnson recommends support groups for officers and spouses. “Go to a local group meeting first, then join their group online. I recommend SafeCallNow.org. It is completely confidential, and works with insurance, too. Everything from help with child care to ‘I have a gun in my mouth and I’m thinking of taking my life’ can be addressed by this group.”

The Texas officer’s spouse is dismayed at the lack of respect for the risks that law enforcement faces every day.

“A few months ago, a lot of our county had blue stripes across their back windows in support for law enforcement — it was just a strip of blue painter’s tape. And since everything in Dallas has happened, they’ve removed them, because cars with the stripes are being vandalized,” she said. “I never did it on my car, because I am married to an officer and didn’t want to become a target. If you are married to a soldier, you can put a ‘Half My Heart’s in Afghanistan’ sticker on your car, or some other show of support for your service member. We’re such big supporters of military, but why not our cops?”

She added, “Protestors protected by police want to exercise their First Amendment rights. But yet we can’t offer support for our officers without our cars being vandalized. That doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t make sense.”

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