Politics

Mandatory Masking And Strip Clubs

A classic Gutfeld rant.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

The masking requirements are past the point of absurdity, as DC edicts require strippers to mask up. Come to think of it, catching COVID is the least worrisome thing you can catch at a strip club.

Gutfeld: Where are we in this pandemic? It’s hard to say. Some people are acting like adults, others are acting like children, and still others are treating children like adults — and I’m not even talking about CNN producers.

But first to the pandemic news that’s affecting our nation’s political elites. In Washington, D.C., strip clubs have allegedly been warned about their dancers not wearing masks.

In a hard-hitting investigative report, the Daily Caller finds that multiple strip clubs have violated the mayor’s order on masks. This includes apparently the strippers who are supposed to cover their noses and mouths, even if their butts aren’t.

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Now, this is a personal point. I would not mind the rule in the daytime, you know, when the clubs aren’t exactly fielding the first string. But really, how can you enjoy a good lap dancer if you can’t understand the stripper’s story about how she’s just doing this temporarily to put herself through med school? And what kind of mask do you wear when stripping?

I had to ask Stuart Varney, and no, they do not make an N-95 in latex. God knows I’ve looked all over Pete Hegseth’s office. But the strippers, I bet they’re not pleased. We go to one for comment.

VIDEO PLAYS OF A BEAR DANCING AGAINST A TREE TRUNK

Bear strip club. I can dream.

On the other coast, it’s worse. The L.A. Unified School District said it’s banning students from wearing cloth masks. They must now wear well-fitted, non-cloth masks with a nose wire at all times, including outdoors. Well, at least that’ll prepare them for a future in stripping, or smash-and-grabs, which are both very popular vocations in L.A. right now.

But what are you supposed to do? I guess it’s time for …GREG GUTFELD’S DESPERATE RANT TO END THE B——-

Here’s one thing we didn’t expect: how authoritarianism was unleashed in businesses by our government. The government made the regulations, which put it on waitresses and hostesses and mattress salesmen to force you to comply.

And then it was up to the cops to arrest you if you didn’t. While the government looks benign, it’s your neighbors who became the enforcers. What better way to unify a nation’s people than force them into the roles of cops and robbers?

You couldn’t divide people any more efficiently with a table saw — and I’ve tried. But you know what? A lot of people liked it. People became OK with incremental authoritarianism like the frog in that slow-boiling water — an experiment I’m sure Fauci invented, the sick bastard.

They enjoyed the moment without knowing how it all will end. Like giving Jesse Watters his own show, it gave obnoxious people power. See, authoritarianism doesn’t just show up one day screaming, “Hey everyone, I’m an authoritarian.” It comes gradually, step by step, like an undetected malignant tumor. It just grows…

Don’t wear the mask. Hell, burn the damn thing. That worked with bras and draft cards in the 1960s. And also the house I burned down because the voices told me to. When someone asks you to re-mask, say, “That’s not following the science,” and then leave. Go somewhere else. If we all do this together, it ends, because if you don’t do it, no one will, and then we’re all screwed — hopefully at the strip club.

David Kamioner
meet the author

David Kamioner is a veteran of U.S. Army Intelligence and an honors graduate of the University of Maryland's European Division. He also served with the Pershing Nuclear Brigade and the First Infantry Division. Subsequent to that he worked for two decades as a political consultant, was part of the American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina disaster relief effort in Louisiana, ran a homeless shelter for veterans in Philadelphia, and taught as a college instructor. He serves as a Contributing Editor for LifeZette.

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