National Security

Iran Leader Cites “Hand of God” in Ineffective Missile Attack

The head cleric of Iran speaks big, but has no stick.


On Friday, garbed in cheery black robes, Iran’s reigning clerical and national master, the Ayatollah Khamenei, intoned the following confused diatribe to his mindnumb acolytes,

“The fact that Iran has the power to give such a slap to a world power shows the hand of God. More important and greater than a military strike, it was a blow to the dignity and awe of the U.S. as a superpower.”

He was referencing the recent Iranian missile attack on U.S. forces in Iraq. The missiles landed harmlessly and killed no one.

That’s not a very hard slap from Iran.

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More of a crippled tap on the shoulder. “Blow to dignity and awe?” The bottle rockets they lobbed at U.S. troops seemed to upset the president so much he was put off his second scoop of ice cream. The horror!

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And on sending their terrorist general to his maker?

“The shameless U.S. government was disgraced by calling Martyr Soleimani a terrorist when he was recognized by everyone as the most prominent and powerful commander in the fight against terrorism. The U.S. government killed Martyr Soleimani, not in the battlefield but thievishly and cowardly,” said Khamenei.

“Disgraced?” Yeah, we are sooooo ashamed. “Everyone?” I’m sure Mike Pence agrees. He has to, if it’s everyone. And Soleimani as a terror fighter who we killed “thievishly and cowardly?”

If it wasn’t so laughable it would be interesting to point out that Soleimani made a career out of off the battlefield massacres of innocent civilians and his omnipotent “powerful commander” shtick was showcased nicely when he ate a U.S. hellfire missile.

He finished with, “If you (the U.S.) are standing with the Iranian people, it is only to stab them in the heart with their venomous daggers.”

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Uh, what? Who’s got the daggers? Us or the Iranian people? You can’t tell by the grammatically garbled sentence. And “venomous daggers?” Isn’t that a tad redundant? I mean, stab or poison? Just pick a lane.

This is par for the course for weak Middle Eastern powers. It even harkens back to Egyptian leader and blowhard General Nasser who said he’d “push the Jews into the sea” right before Israel clobbered him in the 1967 Six Day War. The hyperbole flows in that region more than does the Tigris and Euphrates.

So, we’ll pretty much ignore it and, oh yeah, take the second scoop of Phish Food.

David Kamioner
meet the author

David Kamioner is a veteran of U.S. Army Intelligence and an honors graduate of the University of Maryland's European Division. He also served with the Pershing Nuclear Brigade and the First Infantry Division. Subsequent to that he worked for two decades as a political consultant, was part of the American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina disaster relief effort in Louisiana, ran a homeless shelter for veterans in Philadelphia, and taught as a college instructor. He serves as a Contributing Editor for LifeZette.

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