Hillary in Hiding

In an important week, Clinton decides to disappear

It seems Hillary Clinton is hiding from something.

Despite being criticized in the press for taking a long weekend, especially in light of the flooding in Louisiana, Clinton appears to be hardly campaigning at all this week.

Many have speculated that Clinton’s long bouts of absence from the campaign trail are due to chronic health problems.

She has no public events scheduled until Thursday — other than a single, carefully controlled appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” which aired Monday night. That’s nearly 100 hours free from large crowds, flashing lights, and inquisitive reporters. Something is clearly amiss.

Taking a week off in the middle of a campaign is bad enough, but doing so just as one’s opponent is making a bounce back in the polls, and a significant number of Americans are hurting from a natural disaster, is completely inexplicable.

Even President Obama eventually caved in and ended his vacation early to visit flood-stricken Louisiana. Clinton, on the other hand, says she is waiting for the right time to visit.

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Many have speculated that Clinton’s long bouts of absence from the campaign trail are due to chronic health problems that her campaign and its media allies are doing their best to hide from the American people.

But Clinton used her appearance on “Kimmel” to deny all allegations of poor health. “I don’t know why they are saying this [about my health],” Clinton said. “I think on the one hand it is part of the wacky strategy — just say all these crazy things and maybe you can get some people to believe you.”

Just to prove it, she displayed her epic strength by twisting the cap off what appeared to be a pre-opened pickle jar.

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Of course, the reason people are saying things about her health is because there is a mountain of circumstantial evidence to suggest that there is something very wrong with it. The list of red flags just keeps on growing.

She has been photographed being helped up stairs and being supported on a soapbox by her handlers. She inexplicably vanished in the middle of a primary debate. She has been filmed displaying odd behavior that some experts say looks like effects of a seizure. Many have also claimed that Clinton’s apparent “symptoms” match those of Parkinson’s disease.

Of course, it’s entirely plausible that Hillary Clinton has a reason other than poor health to be away from the public eye for almost an entire week.

She may have needed to fly to North Korea for a new suit. After all, Kim Jong-Un’s personal tailor is the only supplier of those Nehru jackets of which she is so fond. It takes a few days to fly to North Korea and back.

Alternatively, she may actually be Countess Elizabeth Báthory, and just need to regenerate for a bit. This being the 21st century, post-sexual revolution and what not, it’s not nearly as easy to find enough virgin blood to fill up a bathtub as it was in the 16th century — hence why she needed a few days off.

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Of course, those alleged seizures that were captured on film could very well have been technical malfunctions — if Hillary Clinton is in fact some kind of android. Given her apparent inability to feel emotion at the thought of Americans killed on her watch — or women raped on her husband’s — this may be possible.

Then again, an Orthodox Russian priest has even speculated that Clinton shows signs of demonic possession. While the rite of exorcism takes less than an hour to recite, a particularly bad possession would inevitably result in complications which could result in the exorcism taking days.

In the end, only Clinton can tell the American people why she’s been hiding. Then again — that’s only if a journalist ever gets the chance to ask her. It’s been over 260 days since Hillary’s last press conference.

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