Escaping the Sister Trap

The first words I heard after I left my college graduation ceremony were from my older sister, who had completed graduate school just a week earlier. “I got a job!” she said.

On the one day that was supposed to be all about my accomplishments and me, she had to make herself the center of attention.

I probably should have seen it coming. As the younger sister, I’ve lived my whole life in her shadow.

She set the bar pretty high. She was accepted by every college to which she applied. She graduated from college with honors. She went straight to graduate school, passed her physical therapist examination with flying colors, and landed a job immediately.

On the one day that was supposed to be all about my accomplishments and me, she had to make herself the center of attention.

The nerve.

Constantly hearing about her greatness got old very quickly.

At first, I was proud of everything she accomplished. Once her successes became the standard to which I had to measure up, however, I wasn’t so excited anymore. I hated listening to my sister rattle off her achievements while I was simply struggling to keep up.

Related: Squelch Sibling Rivalry

As sisters, some comparisons are natural for us. Despite a height difference, we look pretty similar. We talk the same way. Our voices sound the same. We use the same mannerisms when we speak. We make the same kinds of jokes. We share a similar sense of style, and even drive the same kind of car.

In a move that did not help differentiate me from her, I chose to attend her college. She was a senior.

However, once there, I began to separate myself from her. I never consciously decided this — it just happened that way. I decided to pursue a liberal arts education, majoring in journalism.

Related: Sisters Who Are Nothing Alike

But the comparisons by mutual friends and extended family between my sister and me only escalated. Since we were both attending the same school now, it was easier for others to lump us together as if we were one person. Every time people asked us questions, they included both of us as a pair. Instead of, “What are your plans for winter break?” they would ask, “What are your and your sister’s plans for winter break?”

Sometimes, people would even refer to us as “the Barron sisters,” rather than use our names.

Distinguishing Factors
To set myself apart, I took on responsibilities and became involved on campus in ways she never did. I served on my sorority’s executive council and several subcommittees. I became a recruitment counselor for Greek life, and starting in sophomore year, I interned every summer. I did things she never did because I needed to prove to everyone — even myself — that I was more than just the younger sister.

Related: What We Really Live for

During those years of writing, working and volunteering, I created a name for myself. I was no longer merely the little sister. I was the passionate council member and dedicated writer. But it only helped for a bit.

Today, we are repeatedly asked the same questions about our work. She got a job immediately after graduation, so shouldn’t I have landed a job right away? She works a set schedule every day. Why is my work-from-home schedule so flexible?

Career-wise, it does not make any sense to compare the two of us. Physical therapy and journalism are different worlds. But the comparisons just keep on rolling in.

In those moments, I find it tough to remember that I’m not defined by how I measure up to my sister. What helps is making a mental list of everything I have done — my unique accomplishments. I try to remember it is pointless to believe I should be living a life similar to hers, for she has had three more years of experience, and is in a different field.

I work on living up to myself. I compare me to me.

Instead of wondering how I can possibly live up to a person unlike me, I work on living up to myself.

I compare me to me. I try to grow from where I was a month or a year ago. Evaluating myself against people in a similar life stage is a much fairer measure of success than if I measured myself against my sister.

Related: Moving Back Home After College

Since graduation, I have learned that, while we do share glaring similarities, my sister and I are two different individuals. People are always going to compare us because we are sisters, and that is human nature.

Our successes are worth celebrating individually. Just because she achieved something I haven’t — yet — does not mean I am any less accomplished. We’ll move through life at different paces. But we’ll be doing what is best for us as individuals, and that is what matters.