Movie Watcher’s Tip Sheet

You have a great home theater system, your “man cave” is a glorious place to comfortably watch movies or, like most people, going to the movies makes you uncomfortable. You can’t stand the texters, the talkers, the rude theater goers, and you don’t want to pay to see “Taken 3,” when you can wait for the home video release.

I understand. Yet as a lifetime filmgoer, your disdain for going to the movies concerns me.

My first memory is seeing “Star Wars” in a movie theater, and these days I’m in a theater at least 70 times a year. So I know a thing or two about going to the movies. I’m not pulling rank — I’ve had the same frustrating experiences as other film lovers and can recall at least one time where going to the movies was as much fun as going to the airport. You say you hate crowded theaters, over-priced seats, rude attendees and spoiler-heavy trailers? Me, too!

Here are simple things you can do to make going to the movies fun all over again.

Matinees: Catch the first showing of the day, not only for the cheaper admission price but for a quieter, less-packed theater. Granted, if you’re catching an “event”  film on a holiday or during the summer, even that Sunday matinee might be full. Still, if you can go against the expected time of patronage (evenings and weekends), you’ll pay less and likely feel less crammed.

You say you hate crowded theaters, over-priced seats, rude attendees and spoiler-heavy trailers? Me, too!

Sit near the very back: If you see red whenever you hear a baby cry on an airplane or get road rage at the drop of a turn signal, I can’t help you. However, if you’ve “had it up to here” with talky theater goers and their loud munching, sit near the back of the theater. Hearing people behind you is irritating. The noise isn’t as big a deal if they’re in front of you. In fact, unless the offending person is screaming, the theater’s sound system should drown them out.

Go the second weekend: This is only dangerous if the movie in question has a big twist ending your Chatty Kathy co-workers will ruin on Monday during lunch. Otherwise, seriously, do you need to see “Furious 7” the weekend it opens? If it’s a much-hyped blockbuster, the movie isn’t going away anytime soon! Wait a week and see it after the opening weekend frenzy passes.

Choose wisely: You don’t need to watch the latest Nicholas Sparks romance on a giant screen and please, please do not see “Paul Blart” on Imax! The best movies are for the giant screen and truly define a cinematic, immersive experience … the rest are for home viewing on a far smaller screen. Some films are essential for the theater, while other movies can wait.

Eat before you go: I’m all for supporting a movie theater concession stand, but not as a substitute for dinner. Unless you’re sharing, the biggest popcorn size is just excessive. A box of chocolate covered peanuts or Twizzlers or M&M’s are fine but not boxes, plural. Veteran film critic Gene Siskel was wise to ask, Why pig out on junk food as soon as the lights go down? I recommend eating breakfast, lunch or dinner before going to the movies. It will cut down on the amount of stuffing your face in a dark theater.

The best movies are for the giant screen and truly define a cinematic, immersive experience. The rest are for home viewing.

Be adventurous: Seek out art house theaters, dine n’ views and drive-in movie theaters along with the movie house next door! Nationwide chains, like Landmark Theatres and Alamo Drafthouse, have pricier tickets but excellent customer service, great food and beverages and top of the line seating. You’ll never have to worry about the projection, lighting or sound going bad. The management is on it and makes your comfort and film going a top priority. Dine N’ View theaters are the literal synergy of “dinner and a movie.” But the one experience every movie buff needs to experience, pronto, is a drive-in movie theater. There are still hundreds of these running nationwide. Seeing a drive-in movie (which is almost always a double feature) is one of the most fun, classic and quintessential movie-going experiences. Whether you bring a date, a group of friends or your wife and kids, you’re creating a memorable way to experience the movies.

Avoid movie trailers: Seriously, don’t watch the previews. Close your eyes, plug your ears and count to 150. You do not deserve to have a movie you’re dying to see spoiled by a two and a half-minute preview. The best trailers are brief teases, but most of them summarize the entire plot in chronological order! If you wind up loving the movie, go back and watch the trailer later.

The best movies always inspire passionate, post-screening discussions.

See movies with a friend: Movies have always been a social experience. Besides, if you’re seeing the latest Christopher Nolan mind-puzzler, you’ll want someone to talk it over with you afterward. The best movies always inspire passionate, post-screening discussions. Unless you absolutely can’t find anyone to see “The Gallows” with you, always go with a friend.

Use ear plugs: It may sound like an old fogey suggestion, but I highly recommend it. I wouldn’t worry about the latest Woody Allen or Tyler Perry flick, but most movies are LOUD and have accommodating movie theater sound systems that will leave you feeling like you just left an AC/DC concert. If it’s an action movie, bring the ear plugs. There’s no need for your ear drums to take a pounding. I still regret not bringing audible protection to see “Face Off.”

Go opening night for big laughs, scares: If you’re seeing a movie with the words Saw, Prom Night, Insidious or Nightmare in the title, make it to a mall theater on opening night. If the movie is even partially scary, you’ll know for certain by the audience reaction. This is the best and only way you want to see teen-baiting slasher movies. The same applies to comedies: Seeing it with a crowded, rowdy group who laughs heartily is the way to go.

Don’t be part of the problem: No tacos during the movie, unwrap your snacks during the trailers and please go to the restroom before the opening credits. There’s no need to apologize every time you have to squeeze by me — that’s nice but really, it’s OK. It’s a movie theater, not a red-eye flight to Hong Kong. Try not to step on my shoes, please, but I won’t go ballistic if that happens.

In full disclosure, I broke one of my own rules recently. I was late getting to the theater and really hungry, so I got a few tacos beforehand and snuck them into the theater. I tried my best to eat quietly, but crispy tortillas are loud and no amount of slow munching helps. In fact, it just made things worse. To the people who sat in front of me during “Self/Less,” I sincerely apologize. I had a problem and I’m working towards bettering myself. My name is Barry and I’m a movie lover (“Hi Barry“).