What Parents Really Want to Say in Yearbook Ads

Perhaps you’ve been asked to pen a tribute or dedication to your child for inclusion in a glossy team sports publication or yearbook. This time of year, eager volunteers are assembling these treasures for the graduates-to-be and are likely emailing you or knocking on your door.

The tributes are almost always drippingly sweet — for a price. Parents shell out anywhere from $20 to $200 to share their undying love and support.

We all pretty much write the same thing — canned as cling peaches. “So proud of you, Tim. Keep up the good work!” or “Embrace the future!”

But what if parents wrote what they really wanted to?

Here are 11 messages moms and dads told LifeZette they’d actually like to put in yearbook pages:

1:  “Enjoying bagels in your underwear while you miss the bus isn’t going to cut it, pal. We’re sweating buckets over getting you into college. Love you regardless!”

2:  “You owe me two garage windows and I’ve sold your hockey stick. How many times have I wanted to let your coach know your power shot isn’t from practice but from breaking our windows? On a side note, your backpack has been in the car for a week now. Aren’t your schoolbooks in there? Don’t you need them? Finally, if you ever do go pro, get season tickets for Dad!”

3:  “Life is not a Gossip Girls episode, Emily. So please stop the drama on the cellphone we pay for; the walls have ears. And yoga pants are not real pants. Wear real pants in public for the love of all that is good and decent. Love, Your Concerned Parents.”

4:  “Thanks for all the heartache and misery over things as ridiculous as turning in your homework, getting your Tuesday folder signed, and the never-ending inappropriate behavior in the classroom. It has been a heck of a ride!”

5:  “The smells from your hockey bag are making me ill. That’s all I can say, even in tribute. Love, Mom.”

6:  “A future employer will not be charmed by your belching or your eye-rolling. Also, squirting GoGurts across the table at your sister is not what big boys do. Love you, buddy! Try harder in 2016!”

7:  “We hope you accomplish your dream of being president of an international video game tester conglomerate. Until then, we suggest more homework. Also, contrary to your reasoning, you will need math as a grown-up. We use it all the time when we pay your bills. Good luck in 2016!”

8:  “Clean up your room, write thank you notes for last year’s birthday presents, and be kinder to your mom and dad, especially since we’re footing the bill for every move you make. Also, quit bellyaching about the food at home. It’s really not that bad. Guess you’ll find that out when you get to college! Yours, Mom and Dad.”

9:  “We’re paying $30 for your team’s yearbook tribute and you’ve missed all but two games due to mono. Good luck, but more importantly, get well, Brian!”

10:  “Thank you for the opportunity for us to get to know the school principal, the guidance counselor and the school nurse on a semi-intimate basis. At least they all agree that your reasons for visiting their respective offices have offered doses of creativity rarely seen in the elementary years. No, cats do not use homework as substitute litter boxes, nor can you catch a feline virus. Really? What have the cats done to you? Love you, Big Guy!”

11:  “Dear Son: It’s not OK to get caught on social media doing something you’re not supposed to be doing. It’s also not OK to text during dinner, and it’s not OK to get mad when our response to your question, ‘Can I sleep over at Sam’s house the night before my science test?’ isn’t what you wish it to be. Wise up! Grow up! Have a heart! And have a soul, too! Hugs and kisses. P.S. Take out the garbage.”