On one of my many Metro North train rides between Westchester County and New York City, I started up a conversation with a young man from the Washington, D.C., area. At one point in our chat, I asked him if he was married, and his response was, “Marriage? Father, I will never get married! My mom and dad had such an awful marriage — and ugly divorce — that I don’t want to get close to that institution. They lived in hell and made our life miserable. I’d prefer to go it alone.”
Many young men and women, unfortunately, share a similar view. And it’s not just from those who suffered through unhealthy marriages as children. This view is also held by young adults from otherwise healthy marriages who have seen the affects of unhealthy unions in others’ lives.
“Traditional marriage itself has been abused, with high divorce rates, annulments, shotgun marriages, Vegas weddings, and the like,” said one millennial.
Daniel Mellin, a 28-year-old from Baltimore, Maryland, and a longtime participant in our youth programs in Annapolis, Maryland, offered me his perspective: “I think millennials value the institution of marriage much less than previous generations — and this will not bode well for the future. Two major reasons for this: First, how much the sanctity of marriage has been devalued. When most of us comment on marriage being devalued, we automatically pivot to gay marriage and how it weakens traditional marriage.”
Mellin said that while he thinks gay marriage is partially to blame, it doesn’t get to the heart of the issue. “Traditional marriage itself has been abused, with high divorce rates, annulments, shotgun marriages, Vegas weddings, and the like,” he said. “All of this seems too common these days. We all know several friends with divorced parents and see the pain it has caused. We know countless people who end their marriages because of petty differences.”
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Mellin believes that as people grow older, they learn about others’ experiences, meeting those from other cultures and different walks of life — and with different types of pain. “But truthfully,” he said, “those friends who reluctantly share with you the scars from their parents’ marriage or broken family — that’s what sticks with you. At least that’s what is most noticeable, hearing their experiences.”
Millennials are taking notes, he said. They need more examples of good and healthy marriages — and the steps involved to make them happen — a sort of roadmap to enduring love.
The second point, Mellin said, revolves around “marriage market value.” Social changes are impacting individuals, if not the traditional aspects of marriage themselves.
“This boils down to how each person, how each man and woman, sees the benefits of marriage,” he said. “A woman’s benefits of marriage are obvious, and really haven’t changed. Women still value the security and stability of a marriage which, in turn, provides an incentive to raise children and the opportunity to be financially and emotionally supported by a husband for as long as she lives. But what about for men?” he continued. “Other than the paternal benefits of raising children, what does modern society offer them in a marriage? A man’s marital responsibilities haven’t changed — husbands still have a social requirement to support and protect, work hard, and produce value. And in turn, the man expects his wife to reciprocate and contribute as well.”
In today’s society, as Mellin viewed it, men are seeing that women aren’t being held to the same marital standard that they themselves are held to. Perhaps the more aggressive form of modern feminism, which constantly asks for more “rights” while dismissing the traditional in society, is partially to blame.
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“From a business perspective, marriage is a partnership with terms and conditions. However, are those terms and conditions applied equitably across both parties?” Mellin wondered aloud. “I think more and more, men are realizing the conditions are stacked against them and the costs outweigh the benefits.”
Men and women are delaying marriage and not choosing to settle down until they are closer to age 30. “However, the real problem comes with men not just delaying marriage, but foregoing it altogether,” noted Mellin. “That is going to have huge social implications. And it may already be occurring.”
This young man also mentioned the dire need for positive examples of marriage, which should serve as a shout-out to all couples seeking to provide a positive example for future generations. During one of my visits to my parents’ home in Michigan, I had the opportunity to ask my own dad how he would define his own marriage.
[lz_bulleted_list title=”Single or Never-Married, by Generation:” source=”http://www.gallup.com”]Millennials: 59 percent|Gen-Xers: 15 percent|Baby boomers: 10 percent|Traditionalists: 4 percent|Total: 25 percent (2014)[/lz_bulleted_list]
He pondered this question for a few seconds and responded, “Michael, your mother and I have been married for nearly 40 years. Although there have been many beautiful moments, there have been plenty of tough moments as well. We keep going back to the commitment we made in the presence of God — to persevere until death. This is our goal.”
I still remember my mom and dad going to confession once a month together at our local Catholic church, attending Mass every Sunday with our family. They had a 30-minute conversation alone together with a glass of wine after dinner every night, and never missed their date night out dancing at the Elks club every Friday.
They love each other, and they fought to make it work. Faith is at the core of their marriage and without a doubt, their example of fidelity to the end has impacted me positively in my priesthood, and my older brother and sister in their marriages (both over 30 years in length).
Related: An Open Letter to Millennials from a Boomer Mom
It takes three to get married — and it takes three to stay married. Without Christ at the center, and without this goal of instilling the faith in one’s children, marriage becomes merely a cold contract — and no longer a meaningful vocation.
Fr. Michael Sliney, LC, is a Catholic priest who is the New York chaplain of the Lumen Institute, an association of business and cultural leaders.
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