Here comes the Democratic National Convention — and with it, a parade of mostly B-list Hollywood hacks telling America how Sharia law is actually a good thing for women, guns should be limited to one-bullet clips, and Hillary Clinton really, really doesn’t enable her cheater husband.
Oh, Hollywood! Haven’t you figured out yet that you are nothing more than useful dreamers the crony capitalists use to plunder your Gringott’s Goblin Bank? That your funds are diverted into the Clinton Cash & Benghazi Defense Fund, which is used to bribe high-level officials to avoid prosecution?
Democrats will be hanging on every word of the age-earned wisdom delivered by 19-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz.
Hollywood and Democrats have always been BFFs, so it’s no surprise a slew of liberal Tinseltown bobbleheads will gather onstage — likely to the strains of “Send in the Clowns.”
So far the list of speakers and entertainers include Bryan Cranston, Lady Gaga, Lenny Kravitz, Idina Menzel, Cyndi Lauper, Tony Goldwyn, Elizabeth Banks, George Takei, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Demi Lovato, Grace Potter, Lena Dunham, Debra Messing, Star Jones, Chloe Grace Moretz, Fergie, America Ferrara, Eva Longoria, and Snoop Dogg.
What is a surprise is how few actual superstars are appearing, either on the main stage or at various DNC events. Where’s George Clooney? How about Kevin Spacey? Ben Affleck? For heaven’s sake, has anyone seen Leo DiCaprio? Did he finally realize flying on his private jet to Philadelphia would be hypocritical to his support for green energy?
Perhaps the Geiger counter reading on Hillary “Meh-Let-Those-Americans-in-Benghazi-Die-And-I’ll-Blame-It-on-a-Video” Clinton reaches radioactivity levels that even they could not tolerate.
So what might those speakers who purchased discounted Hazmat suits speak about?
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Certainly, Democrats will be hanging on every word of age-earned wisdom delivered by the 19-year-old Moretz. Fresh off her three-month Twitter battle with Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Moretz is expected to discuss the finer points of Pokemon Go, and then deliver a blistering critique of Twitter for banning gay conservative Milo Yiannopolous.
Debra Messing, fresh off her Twitter feud with Susan Sarandon over the latter’s support for socialist Bernie Sanders, is expected to elaborate on her statement last week at a Pennsylvania round table discussion. There, she said, “Hillary acknowledges mistakes and makes different choices.”
She is expected to clarify that statement to exclude marrying serial womanizer Bill Clinton, sending death threats to Bill’s sexual assault victim Kathleen Willey, taking money from criminals Peter Paul and Norman Hsu, and a list of about 150 other things.
George Takei, fresh off own his Twitter feud with “Star Trek Beyond” star John “Younger Sulu” Cho over the revelation that the latter’s character is gay, is expected to remind Democrats that Japanese, Italians, and Germans were interned during WWII. He will discuss the racism of that era toward America’s enemy, then promptly call Donald Trump a racist for wanting to ban Muslim immigrants (because we aren’t actually at war with ISIS, are we?).
Rape-hoaxer Lena Dunham should attract the most attention of any celebrity speaker. Her speech is expected to focus on a quote given to Variety magazine, in which she said, “The fact that other members of the Democratic Party have spoken to me like I was an ill-informed child for voting for someone who represents everything I think this country should be is outrageous.”
Dunham will elaborate on her vision for America. It parallels Clinton’s: installing transgender bathrooms in Iran, euthanizing the firstborn of anyone found not voting for Hillary, and supporting the list of women’s charities to which she undoubtedly donated her $3.6 million book advance.
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Finally, speculation abounds that Bryan Cranston was roofied and kidnapped, and is being forced to appear due to the lack of star power. It’s also possible he was snatched in order to top the amount of booing Ted Cruz received at the Republican National Convention.
After all, the “Breaking Bad” star told Politico he is actually “a social liberal but a fiscal, I wouldn’t say conservative, but definitely leaning on that side … There’s a need to have people who are socially conscious and concerned about the fact and yet fiscally responsible,” Cranston said. “Where’s that person? I want that person to step up.”
Then again, he recently portrayed commie screenwriter Dalton Trumbo on screen — so maybe this is some kind of reverse psychology engineered by Valerie Jarrett. Not that anyone at the convention would realize it, or care. They’ll be too busy fainting in the aisles when Hillary takes the stage.
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