When Celebrities Become Professors

Angelina will soon be “Professor Jolie” at the prestigious London School of Economics.

It might make things entertaining, at least, if these people taught their specialties.

Hard to believe? Yes. Especially considering the fact she has no college education and once stated she would have become a funeral director had the acting gigs not worked out so well.

She’ll teach a new master’s course on women, peace, and security. Maybe 14 years as a U.N. special envoy qualifies her. Maybe she’ll be invaluable to students. Or maybe she’ll be an inept but attractive spokeswoman for the school.

No matter what, her surprise appointment got us wondering. What would universities look like if more celebrities taught? It might make things entertaining, at least, if the following people taught their specialties.

Here are some ideas for star profs:

Lance Armstrong: Pharmacology
The now disgraced seven-time Tour de France winner admitted to doping in 2013. Since he raced under the influence of drugs — and managed to stay under the radar while doing it — for years, who better to teach classes on the uses and physical effects of medication?

Sean Penn: Marxist Theory
This country’s freedom and economy have made this two-time Oscar winner rich and famous, but Penn still badmouths the United States and capitalism. In an open letter to President George W. Bush, Penn wrote that Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and Dick Cheney are “villainously and criminally obscene people.” Really? Maybe Penn should live in Cuba with his pal Raul Castro if he doesn’t like it here. Please.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Alternative Nutrition and Website Development
Paltrow’s website Goop, a weekly lifestyle publication, has featured a $15,000 sex toy and an article on the necessity of steaming one’s lady parts. Because, you know, the average woman is interested in these things. The site has also included recipes such as lentil “meatballs” (she uses the quotation marks). Meat meatballs are more appealing to most Earthlings, Gwyneth.

Kim Kardashian: Gross Anatomy
Since gross anatomy is the study of what can be seen of the body with the naked eye, Kim is an ideal teacher. Not only does she love to be naked, she’s so self-absorbed she knows every inch of her own skin. Unfortunately, so do many others, thanks to Instagram and her narcissism.

Elizabeth Warren: Creative Genealogy
Warren used to claim she was a minority — Cherokee, to be specific — for job application purposes. Native American genealogist expert Twila Barnes (herself a Cherokee) has reviewed all of Warren’s family documentation and concludes, “There’s nothing to indicate she’s Cherokee.” But hey, Warren has pulled it off for years. She could teach others to finagle their own backgrounds to get ahead.

Miley Cyrus: Otolaryngology
More commonly called the study of the human ear, nose, and throat, otolaryngology is perfect for Cyrus. Who else is as fascinated by her own tongue? She’s also got a filthy mouth and she grates on people’s ears. Boom. That’s a veritable trifecta.

Kanye West: Motivational Speaking and/or Abnormal Psychology 560 (a graduate class)
Since Kanye has single-handedly convinced himself that he is SO fantastic, why not take his brand of self-talk to the classroom? (Maybe even rational people could be convinced to believe how “wonderful” he is — nah.) Or, if that course goes south, he could lecture on bizarre behaviors, using himself as an illustration.

OJ Simpson: Forensics
Need we explain this?

Oh, and since college isn’t for everyone, we also thought it wise to include a few certificate classes and activities here.

Michael Moore: Basket Weaving
Moore’s movies are so awful that a career change is in order. He weaves falsehoods and misleading research so creatively that maybe he could do the same with hemp and other fibers. Maybe even under water since his pseudo-facts are all wet to begin with.

Ariana Grande: Pastry 101
In 2015, Miss Grande was caught licking a tray of doughnuts in a California bakery after saying “I hate America.” We think she should learn to bake her own pastry. No one’s keeping you here, Grande! We hear the éclairs in France are great.

[lz_third_party includes=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_2842566217&feature=iv&src_vid=Oja97POVbM8&v=cb3i1dejBsI”]

Nicki Minaj: Cosmetology
Plasticity is one of the more polite words that come to mind when we see Minaj. It would be interesting to wipe her heavily painted face with a paper towel. But cleaning her act up would require the entire roll and much, much more.

James Corden: Glee Club
Because who doesn’t love Carpool Karaoke? Wouldn’t it be a fantastic workshop?

Hillary Clinton: Business Loopholes
The Clinton Foundation is not a money-laundering scheme. Hillary never committed a crime while serving as secretary of state. Both of these statements — and many others — have, so far, been convenient (and false) loopholes, of sorts, for Clinton. She’s slippery enough to ooze through any gap, legal or otherwise. We hope the “so far” is fitting.