Obama’s ‘Pearl Harbor’ Speech

Good evening my fellow Americans.

We have received news that Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor, our military base in Hawaii. I want to assure Americans that I’ve got this, that our current policy toward Japan is working, and that no changes are needed.

I am working from the moment I wake up every morning on my top priority, which as you probably know is the protection of Japanese Americans and the preservation of their safe spaces, both physical and emotional.

Yesterday, December 7, 1941: A date which will live in empathy.

The Japanese are our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes. Especially those among us who are sumo wrestling fans. Anyway, we cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and … Japan, just because we are being attacked by, well, by Japan. You see, a group of extremists are the ones doing this. Even if the extremists are running the government and are backed by much of the population, they’re still extremists.

I refuse to call them Japanese extremists, by the way. Let’s be clear, they are Japanese, and they are extremists. But they are not Japanese extremists.

For this reason, I am dispatching immediately to Tokyo a team of 200 conflict resolution specialists and other ambassadors of goodwill.

Now, just because Hawaii has been attacked and the West Coast will eventually be threatened, we cannot give in to fear. We must understand the legitimate concerns of the Japanese people, who for decades now have been forced to endure American cultural imperialism and the obnoxious behavior of our tourists.

For this reason, I am dispatching immediately to Tokyo a team of 200 conflict resolution specialists and other ambassadors of goodwill.

Germany and Italy have also declared war on America, and so things are really heating up. And that’s the problem. We are in the early stages of global warming, and if we don’t begin to reduce carbon emissions now, the ice caps will begin to melt by, say, the 2020s, and extreme weather conditions will prevail.

If global warming is allowed to continue, the whole Hawaiian island chain will be under water. And I ask you, which is worse, Japan bombing a section of Honolulu, or the whole place being turned into Atlantis? I think the question answers itself.

My science advisors advise me — because that’s what they are supposed to do, advise me — that a large-scale buildup of weapons by U.S. factories will cause unacceptable carbon emissions to occur, possibly accelerating the global warming process. I cannot allow short term concerns like some aberrant attack from generally peaceful Japanese to provoke a response that creates a possible worldwide crisis in 80 years.

My advisors have also informed me that American scientists are aggressively working on something called “The Manhattan Project.” Now, while I initially assumed this had to do with the ongoing refurbishment of my suite at the Plaza Hotel, I have since determined that it is an effort to develop a weapon that could destroy entire cities and possibly force the Japanese to surrender. However, I have judged that such a weapon could possibly cause civilian casualties, and so I have put a halt to the program.

My close friend Neville Chamberlain called me this morning and said I was being a wuss.

My close friend Neville Chamberlain called me this morning and said I was being a wuss. Now, hearing this from Neville is quite surprising, as he is one of history’s biggest wusses. But I think Neville fails to understand that it is far easier to just bomb somebody than it is to convince them that you mean them no harm.

I believe our plan is working and that the Pearl Harbor attack is being addressed. I have wasted no time dispatching a team to assess the environmental impact of the air raid. I have ordered that they finish their report not later than December of 1943. If Japan attacks other American installations, these too will be followed by immediate environmental impact assessments. I will not relent.

In the meantime, we will confront the Japanese with the most aggressive cultural exchange and mutual understanding programs even known to man.

Remember, we must not give way to fear. Far better to give way to fantasy. In this, I promise, you, I will not falter.

Good bless you. And God bless America, and since God isn’t an American exceptionalist, God bless Japan too.

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