Candidates Lunge for Cash

On the final day of the fundraising quarter, presidential candidates got down on their knees and begged for money, stooping to levels so low it would be shocking — if they weren’t presidential candidates.

They begged, cajoled, made outlandish promises. They tried the “Hey buddy” approach, the firm “Let me be frank” sales pitch — anything to get a few bucks out of the unfortunate people who signed up for their email lists. They need you, your country needs you (to get them elected) — civilized society will go off the rails unless you donate immediately to their cause (all major credit cards accepted, secure donation page provided).

Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’ Malley, a Democrat, cuts the cheese: “When I heard about this contest, I was sure it was too cheesy.” Really?

The flow of emails ran through the day, each a bit more desperate than the previous.

A few things political contribution solicitations have in common? They all address you as “friend,” they all use folksy words like “folks,” and they all employ eye-catching multicolored links to get you to sign in, sign up, or just plain hand over your Benjamins.

Related: First Jobs of Ten 2016ers

Here are some of the new “friends” we’ve all collected, and the lengths to which they will go:

Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., goes with the ol’ buddy, ol’ pal method. “Can you chip in, Friend?” his email reads, like the recipient’s first name is “Friend.” Then, he goes nautical: “In order to reach Americans in every state in every country, it’s all hands on deck.” Then, the hard sell. “It is going to cost a hefty amount to run a winning campaign, so … ” you know, pony up, “Friend.”

Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’ Malley, a Democrat, cuts the cheese: “When I heard about this contest, I was sure it was too cheesy.” Really? A song contest?” But wait, there’s more! “Not only will the governor sing you a song, but it will be an orginial (sic) piece written just for you.” You can almost smell the desperation. And nice spell-check, Marty.

Sanders needs the cash because he’s busy running a “political revolution,” and you know how expensive those things can be.

Former President Bill Clinton got us thinking about the old days, when Hillary was a mere sprite of a political operative. He begins his email, “I haven’t written to you yet during this election …” which is where you think to yourself, “I know, and I’ve missed our poignant communiqués …” He also writes, “I’ve watched Hillary for over forty years.” (He forgets to mention that she’s been watching him for even longer.)

Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie just wants to have a beer with you — for $3: “Some of my favorite moments on the campaign trail have been meeting and talking with people in coffee shops, diners, and even in bars across the country …” If you donate $3, you can enter to have a beer (light beer, we’re thinking). This one does make you wonder: If you donate $900, can you have 300 beers with the guv?

Related: Christie Gains from Walker Exit?

Sen. Bernie Sanders of Vermont, a self-described Democrat-socialist seeking the Democrat’s nomination, wants $24.86 — not a penny more, but certainly not a penny less. He suggests the odd amount because it’s the “average donation we’ve received in the past week.” Plus, he needs the cash because he’s busy running a “political revolution,” and you know how expensive those things can be.

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas pretends he’s throwing in the towel: The senator’s email line reads simply, “FWD: Dropping out.” Turns out — he just needs money, too. He gets wife Heidi to shill for him: “If we can’t close the gap — Washington insiders will gleefully use disappointing numbers as a reason to rip Ted apart.” OTOH, it might not be that long until Cruz sends an email with that same slug — his last.

Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky., wasn’t about to waste one word while getting us up off the couch and into our Mad Max vehicles (or, seated at the nearest computer): “I’m not going to mince words. If you and I are going to succeed in finally taking our country back from the Big Government crowd in BOTH parties, we’re going to have to fight like never before.” Make the check out to “1 Percent Guy.”

Finally, there was James Carville, the Democrat’s Ragin’ Cajun. He opens with (wait for it): “Friend.” Then he gets about as folksy as a hickory stick floating down a crick like a salt lick that real quick … Wait, we lost our train of thought. “What’s that expression about making lemons out of lemonade,” Carville opens. “Well it sure seems like the Republicans keep buying stock in lemons and refusing to do anything but suck on them.” Ba da bing!

But his closer is one for the ages: “I’m tired of this, aren’t you?”

Now that you ask …