The Year I Wrecked My Kids’ Christmas

I thought I was doing a wonderful thing.

One year when my two sons were not yet teenagers and I had more on my hands than I thought I could manage well, I decided to “help” my family (and myself) by taking care of the Christmas tree — as a “surprise” to my husband and kids while they were busy with another activity.

My boys were involved with school, sports, clubs, Sunday school, and more. My husband and I had demanding full-time jobs. We had a house to take care of (and try to keep in reasonable shape). We had errands. Obligations. Friends. Neighbors. A dog. A cat. I think a goldfish, too, at that point, but I digress.

We had a car to keep running, food to buy and cook, clothes to wash and … Well, you know.

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So with the selecting, purchasing and hauling-home of the usual 6-foot (and very real) Christmas tree still ahead of us that nonstop year, I decided to “take care of things” by slipping out one weekend afternoon and buying a small artificial tree before the family even knew what happened.

(Found it, purchased it, and got it in the back of the car. Set it up before anyone else got home. So excited to surprise them.)

Really, I liked that little tree. It sat nicely on a little table in front of a window. It was predecorated, sweet, adorable — and done.

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There was no big heavy behemoth to try to drag in now, no decorations to haul out and place, no needles to sweep up either now or later. There was no tree-watering necessary. No tree rug needed. Nothing else to do on this task. On to the next item on the checklist!

It was all so beautiful.

There was one big problem: The minute the kids laid eyes on this tree, it was painfully clear this was not at all beautiful to them.

The fake little pathetic tree was unmajestic. Uninspiring. Hopeless. A terrible disappointment.

“Mom, we hate it!” (They may or may not have actually said those words, but that’s the sentiment I’ve retained.)

OK. Lesson learned. Do not undertake this sort of thing when you have the hopes, dreams, visions of sugar plums (and everything else) of your beloved offspring resting on your shoulders (and your soul) for the rest of your life.

It’s really and truly OK if someone in the house (you?) winds up having to sweep the stray needles from the floor for the better part of the next three months (six months? nine months?).

We wound up having a fine Christmas that year — after all, Christmas is about far more than a tree; the blessed birth of Jesus cannot and should not be lost in any of this. But today, all these years later, my now nearly-grown sons still joke about the year “Mom ruined our Christmas when we were kids.” The pictures of that fiasco are also sometimes dragged out (all in good fun — of course!) to demonstrate yet again that a mother’s best-intentioned effort was a robust and complete failure. (Whoever first articulated the notion that “parenting is a humbling experience” is a genius.)

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So: Real trees are better! Real and big trees are even better! Real and big and family-chosen trees are even better than that.

And it’s really and truly OK if the entire operation takes the better part of the weekend (or far longer), and it’s really and truly OK if someone in the house (the mom?) winds up having to sweep the stray needles from the floor for the better part of the next three months (six months? nine months?).

A real tree is a really great tree and most people (including my family) love it.

So, big beautiful real Christmas tree of 2017: We’re about to find you this year for our home. We can’t wait.

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By the way, my family’s preference for a real Christmas tree is very much in line with the preference of most Americans. Here are some tree facts from both the National Christmas Tree Association and Statistic Brain that prove the point. (And clearly I should have had these figures on my own brain before undertaking the Terrible Small Fake Tree Endeavor That My Kids Still Bring Up Today.)

• Some 30 million or more real Christmas trees are sold in the U.S. every year.
• Some 10 million or so fake Christmas trees are sold in the U.S. each year.
• Right now there nearly 350 million real Christmas trees growing on Christmas tree farms in the U.S. alone, all planted by farmers.
• North American real Christmas trees are grown in all 50 states and Canada. And 80 percent of artificial trees worldwide are manufactured in China, according to the U.S. Commerce Department.
• Real trees are a renewable, recyclable resource.
• Artificial trees contain nonbiodegradable plastics and possible metal toxins, such as lead.
• More than 4,000 local Christmas tree recycling programs exist in the U.S.
• For every real Christmas tree harvested, one to three seedlings are planted the following spring.
• Some 350,000 acres are used for growing Christmas trees in the U.S.; much of it preserves green space.
• Nearly 15,000 farms grow Christmas trees in the U.S. — and over 100,000 people are employed full- or part-time in the industry.
• It can take as long as 15 years to grow a tree of typical height (6 to 7 feet) or as little as four years — but the average growing time is seven years.
• The top Christmas tree-producing states are Oregon, North Carolina, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and Washington.