When Parents Aren’t Perfect

The death of a parent is one of the most devastating rites of passage in our lifetimes.

Many people would give anything to spend another moment with a loved one who has died. We wish to share a cup of coffee, a conversation, a warm embrace.

But what about losing a parent while he or she is still alive?

I know this all too well because I’ve ended my relationship with my father.

It wasn’t always this way. My dad and I were so close when I was a little girl. I remember crawling into the bend in his legs while he was lying on the couch to sleep in his “bird nest.”

He coached me in softball. We played catch almost every day. He helped shaped my confidence and taught me how to be a strong woman. At my wedding, I gave a heartfelt speech about how much my parents meant to me and how they made me who I was. I meant every word.

Not every moment was perfect, just like no parent is perfect. But my childhood was great. I have fond memories.

Once I started having children of my own, I realized how detrimental my father’s behavior was.

His streaks of nastiness and manipulation started to surface when I went to college. Maybe it was always there, but that’s when I noticed. Yet it wasn’t until I started having children of my own that I realized how detrimental this behavior was.

Through three pregnancies and two miscarriages, I endured sob-inducing phone calls, name-calling, and the silent treatment. The last straw was when my father verbally attacked me while I was holding one of my children in my arms. I could take the emotional abuse, but I refused to expose my children to it.

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I now haven’t spoken to him in more than a year. And I have been grieving.

Lauren Fisher, a clinical psychologist specializing in mindfulness-based psychotherapy, says grieving loved ones who are still living is completely normal.

“There are times we are faced with the loss of loved ones because they are no longer psychologically recognizable to us,” she said. “Some of the more common causes are addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness. While the person you love is still alive and there, they do and say things they would have never done, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are unable to be there for you in ways that they previously were.”

Fisher said it’s also adult children who change.

“They begin to recognize the unhealthy or toxic emotional patterns of family members as they become emotionally mature or healthier throughout life,” she said.

Different people have told me, “He’s your dad. You really should just have a relationship with him.”

A 36-year-old filmmaker, Lola Smith (not her real name), cut ties with her father in 2007 after she found out he had consistently lied to her and her family about an affair, and that he fathered two other children with different women while married to her mother. Her mother died not long after this revelation.

“Different people have told me, ‘He’s your dad. You really should just have a relationship with him,’” she said. “That’s not a strong enough reason to bring someone back into my life who brings out the worst in me.”

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Fisher, the clinical psychologist, stressed this isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.

“I would advise that people take their time and make an informed decision with both their heart and mind. The only person who knows your experience best is you. If we listen to both our mind and our body, we usually ‘know’ what is the right course of action to take,” she said. “We often feel relief when making decisions that are right for us.”

“To appropriately grieve, one needs to fully acknowledge the pain associated with the loss.”

While there is great relief in ending toxic relationships, that doesn’t mean it is an easy process. Grieving can be ongoing.

Lola said she sometimes misses what she once had, such as at big life events like holidays or weddings.

“There are moments of sadness where I wish I could talk to that old person I knew.” She also feels anger at times, she said, that he wasn’t the person she thought he was.

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It’s important to feel that pain and anger, Fisher said.

“To appropriately grieve, one needs to fully acknowledge the pain associated with that loss.”

As for me, I think now and then about picking up the phone to talk to my father, but I remind myself how many times I’ve rekindled our relationship, only to be hurt that much more deeply when he exploded at me again.

Fisher said many people are unconscious of their toxic patterns, are unwilling to admit their problems, or are unlikely to examine these behaviors because they do not want to deal with their own underlying wounds.

“We cannot coax or force people to change,” Fisher said. “We sometimes have to accept that our loved ones are on their own journey, for better or worse. However, we have the choice about whether or not we want to accompany them.”