What You Never Knew About Raising Special Needs Kids

As the mom of a special needs kid, I was shocked to read recently that two Harvard Law School administrators were recently charged with criminally defrauding special needs students of $110,000 since 2013.

When boatloads of money are available to large business entities like Harvard but are not scrupulously monitored, the most deserving group is too often deprived of vital assistance. Especially heartbreaking, given the fact that these students overcame incredible odds — only to end up victimized by those with a duty to protect their interests.

Related: A Mom’s Guide to Sanity for Life

There are five ways, however, a parent or student can prevent such crimes or at least mitigate the harm.

Let me share what I’ve learned through my own experience in raising a son with special needs:

1.) Get it in writing and keep detailed files. Families are required to complete forms pertaining to their educational background, medical records, finances, employment, background checks, and the like. You want to make a copy of every request (that should be mailed to a residence). When the  forms are complete — make sure to copy everything in a duplicate packet for your own record keeping.

Red flag: Be on the alert for calls to your cellphone or contacts via email seeking information.  If, however, the request concerns something specific like an omission on a form, make sure to grab your duplicate file of all documents to confirm that the request is legitimate.

Also, when contacted by phone, one should have at-the-ready a means to write down the staffer’s full name, position, and phone number, along with the date and time of the call. Keep the latter in a separate file to document any suspicious pattern of information-seeking.

The school official apologized and explained that a new clerk pulled the wrong information from her computer.

For example, after enrolling my young son in school, I got a phone call asking for my signature that would enable “extra funding as part of a special program.” I asked: “Why my son? What makes the program special? And where is the money coming from?” I asked the school to send me the form in the mail. Upon receipt, I was aghast to see a Medicaid application for $250,000 detailing my son’s alleged need for a wheelchair, counseling, and occupational therapy — none of which was kosher for a child who was deaf.

2.) Stay calm. Easier said than done? Not if you don’t want to be labeled a problem parent to the detriment of your child. Instead, you might do what I did with the above situation. I grabbed a glass of wine, sat down on our balcony, and watched the clouds roll by for 30 minutes.

Afterward, I wrote a polite letter to the principal (top guy or gal usually gets the best response) asking for a written explanation. In this letter, the school official apologized and explained that a new clerk pulled the wrong information from her computer. Wonderful if true — but even if it was a cover, this option gave the school a heads-up to ferret out any bad eggs.

3.) Monitor all funds used for school. All funding from private to governmental sources requires a separate file folder with appropriate documentation. For example, if a child receives a scholarship from a science organization — you should maintain a hard copy of all correspondence, school and bank records of what was awarded, when, and how much.

Red flag: When meeting with a financial administrator,  pay attention to that gut feeling anything is awry — are any numbers higher or lower than one’s own accounts? If so, or other substantive cause, this is the time to politely insist upon speaking to the chief financial officer or administrator. If still not satisfied, continue on to the very top. Nothing should be at variance with the family’s documentation.

Related: The Hidden Challenges for Special Needs Kids

For this reason, parents and students do best in keeping a hard copy of all records in a secure place like a locked file cabinet. Online banking and university credit cards appear to have been partly responsible for the debacle at Harvard.

For example, when viewing online banking alone, my son’s scholarship for tuition was mistakenly recorded by the school as a bank loan. Luckily, a family member had connections with the bank at issue and it was resolved in my son’s favor. Still, we may not have won the day if both my son and I had not kept detailed and accurate records that backed us up.

4.) Beware of student bullying. Whether a student is blind, deaf, wheelchair-bound, or is undergoing treatment for cancer, many kids are socially isolated and especially vulnerable to overtures of feigned friendship.

Red flag: Your youngster atypically starts asking for large sums of money with excuses ranging from car trouble, to high-priced software or books. Ask direct questions including proof from a mechanic or faculty adviser to substantiate such expenditures. Meanwhile, watch for warning signs of anxiety, dissembling, and/or physical signs of trauma.

For example, my son was the only freshman student in college with a driver’s license and his own car. Knowing him to be more of an introvert, I was surprised at his sudden popularity and weekend socializing. When I received his credit card bill that was nearly maxed out, he had some explaining to do. I learned that three students from school were “pushing him around” to get free long-distance rides to gambling casinos. With help from the dean, the thugs were expelled.

Related: When Special Needs Families Go to Church

Remember, no one knows a special needs child better than a parent — period. Just pay attention and keep a lookout for the evil that’s out there.

5.) Keep some money for a rainy day. It’s not always the case that school-money snafus or bullying scenarios are easily sorted out. It may take time, especially if the student is waiting for reimbursement for stolen funds, or counseling after abuse.

Red flag: Be aware that once a parent or student asks for assistance from any branch or division of “the government,” with either situation, the entire family can be subject to investigation as well as the offending parties. It may or may not be personal or biased, but why take a chance?

Instead, one can opt for another path entirely, as my family did in following the expulsion of my son’s tormentors at school. We pursued the Catholic outreach youth services as part of our local parish. Not only did it strengthen my son’s faith at a time when his confidence was at an all-time low, it helped me as well.

Related: The Bullying Culture: What You Must Know

Let’s face it. Life is often a long, hard journey, especially for these kids. For my son and me, it came down to that rock of faith that has been my family’s saving grace when all is lost — not just at sea, so to speak, but on land, too. In the end, there’s no way a parent or special needs student can do better than that.

The author, a retired attorney, is a published poet, writer, and columnist based in Arizona.