Whose Dirty Laundry Is It?

With college kids home for the summer for a month or more, all hell has broken loose in family laundry rooms across America.

OK, maybe ‘wash and dry’ is not all that dramatic, given everything (it’s not Iran, for example). But it may also be symbolic of family stresses that resonate far more deeply than clothes.

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Our home-for-the-summer sons and daughters have been readjusting to living within our four walls again after a year of doing pretty much whatever the heck they pleased.

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As reasonably independent young people living away from home, our sons and daughters had to do their own wash. Yet back home, some kids like to retreat to the dependent parent-child relationship of days gone by – hoping Mom and Dad will rush in and take care of their clothes, their chores, their money, you name it. And some parents leap right back into all of this with a happy ‘I-feel-needed again’ heart.

How smart is doing their laundry? How sensible is it for our kids’ long-term growth? Is that the right message to give an 18-year-old (who can vote, by the way)?

But how smart is doing their laundry, really? How sensible is it for our kids’ long-term growth? Is that the right message to give an 18-year-old or an even older college student (who can vote, drive a car and join the U.S. armed services, by the way)?

We asked an array of parents if they thought they should do their college kids’ laundry over the summer – and heard about both sides of the issue with nearly equal vehemence. Check out the expert’s input as well.

YES!
While raising our daughter, I encouraged her to focus on academics and her team sports commitments … with little time for chores. I have helped raise an intensely academically committed kid who is horrifically lazy at home, so I am now reaping what I have sown.

In the land of shoulds for our college kids, of course they should do their own laundry. But do they? You can only hope, and watch the pile of clothes grow higher each day. This also applies to cleaning their room, or picking up any dish, spoon, or glass where they have been lounging and watching countless hours of unbridled TV. There are so many episodes of ‘Orange Is the New Black’ to catch up on … and they also need to “relax.” LOL.

To be fair, there is an occasional load washed, perhaps a chore or two; and a new novice chef has emerged, so there are a couple of dinners she has prepared masterfully. She was also able to find employment before her college graduation, which these days is remarkable. I am both relieved and horribly sad at the same time. – Deb from Freehold, NJ

NO!
I cannot believe this is even a question. We stopped doing our daughter’s laundry when she was about 14. By the time our children are 18, they should be able to take responsibility for all the daily chores any adult has to manage.

Those chores include dressing themselves, doing their laundry, cooking and cleaning up after themselves. If they’re living under our roof, we expect them also to do something to contribute to the family, whether it’s cooking dinner once a week or sharing in housework. That doesn’t mean I never make a meal or do the dishes for my 22-year-old, but when I do, she is grateful and appreciative, rather than taking it for granted.

I wouldn’t dream of undercutting her independence by taking over her laundry chores again.

Just as when she spontaneously clears the table, sweeps the floor or offers to babysit her younger sisters, I thank her. I wouldn’t dream of undercutting her independence by taking over her laundry chores again. She takes pride in her ability to care for her belongings. We expect responsibility from our kids – but we also give them a lot of respect and independence. – Katherine  from Rockville, MD

A Family Therapist Weighs In:
For college-aged adolescents and their parents, the task of doing laundry over the summer is an opportunity for kids to grow up, since they are reasonably able to master this pragmatic task and at the same time are asking for more autonomy, more independence, in other aspects of their lives.

I certainly don’t think doing laundry for a college-aged child during the summer fits in any way into the category of inadequate parenting. I do think there is something soothing, probably, for both parent and child to keep up this ritual. There’s often a wink of the eye between the parent and the child, about the parent being the parent and the child being the child, with both not quite ready to take the next steps.

But the idea of an adolescent kid having a job for the summer of doing his own laundry fits into the equation of a child’s gradually growing up and assuming more responsibility. Parents should give the message to kids that they can and should do these things as well as other chores around the house. This is an opportunity for both. – Larry Torrisi, LCSW, Tarrytown, NY

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