So Your Kid’s Shy. So What?

If you are the parent of an introverted child, you may worry that your child is missing out on social experiences, sending out vibes of aloofness to potential new friends, or even worse — not measuring up as a person.

“What is called ‘shy’ is actually introverted, but being introverted doesn’t mean you are shy — it means you were born to be most comfortable in smaller, more intimate relationships,” said one expert.

Never fear, according to child experts. Your child has been born with this personality, and will be as happy and fulfilled as the outgoing child, provided you offer unconditional support and a thorough understanding of this personality type.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Shoshana Bennett told LifeZette, “Being introverted is a temperament — you’re born with it. It’s unchangeable, you are born either introverted with extroverted tendencies, or extroverted with introverted tendencies — anywhere on a continuum,” she explained. “I’m an introvert myself — back then it was just called shy. When I was a very small kid I would hide behind my mother’s skirts — and when there was a new person she was meeting, I would duck behind her.”

After being troubled by nightmares, Bennett’s mother took her to a child psychiatrist to make sure she was OK, and the subject of her shyness came up. The therapist pronounced the small five-year-old “way too clingy,” and advised her to be sent to a sleepaway camp for 10 weeks.

“It was absolutely traumatic,” Bennett remembered. “My poor mom had tears in her eyes as I left — back then doctors and psychiatrists were like gods, so she thought she was doing the right thing for me. She was a loving mother and always had my best interests at heart.”

Shyness and introversion are not the same, explained Bennett. “What is called ‘shy’ is actually introverted, but being introverted doesn’t mean you are shy — it means you were born to be most comfortable in smaller, more intimate relationships.”

[lz_bulleted_list title=”A Few Famous Introverts” source=”inc.com”]Albert Einstein: one of world’s most recognized and revered physicists|Abraham Lincoln: 16th president’s famous leadership skills still studied today|Mahatma Gandhi: known for being master of nonviolent resistance|Frederic Chopin: inspirational composer feared performing|Dr. Seuss: great children’s book author wrote his stories alone [/lz_bulleted_list]

In our society we often value extroverted qualities. “It’s easy to be an extrovert — the one who wants to go to the parties, the one who loves to cheer loudly at the football game, the one who excitedly gets in the middle of activities,” said Bennett. “But the child who wants to sit alone reading a book may be concerning to a parent — especially if that parent is an extrovert herself.”

“I ask parents, ‘Are they social with friends?’ — to which parents almost always answer yes,” Bennett continued. “Then I ask if their child would rather be with friends in a group — large for an introvert is more than two people, by the way —or be alone, or maybe with one friend? They’ll likely answer the latter. I tell them, ‘That’s absolutely fine, and your child is absolutely fine.'”

Massachusetts graduate student Alexa Whitt, completing her last semester before gaining her master’s degree in occupational therapy at Worcester State College in Massachusetts, agreed with the inborn nature of introverts and how they gain personal positive energy.

“We have learned a lot about different personality types in our program, and what we know is that extroverts re-charge by being with others, while introverts re-charge by being alone,” she said. “Many children need time alone to replenish their mental and emotional energy.”

Your child may be an extrovert who would rather have a couple of close friends that they have deeper relationships with, rather than an extrovert, who loves knowing many people in a more “acquaintance” sort of way.

“To the introvert, it’s not important how many friends they have,” said Bennett. “An introvert will be at a party maybe sitting to the side of the action, trying to have a one-on-one meaningful conversation with another person.”

An extroverted parent just needs to learn that there’s nothing wrong with their child, said Bennett. “Don’t try to change your child, or imply to them that there’s something wrong with them if they’d rather be home than at a party. Your child will want to invite one or two friends to a fun activity to celebrate their birthday, and not necessarily have a party.”

When you push a kid to be extroverted, you are saying, ‘You’re not OK,'” Bennett said — and that’s bad. Full acceptance is called for instead. Sometimes the introverted parent is the one to push an introverted child to be more extroverted. “They may have suffered from their so-called ‘shyness,’ and don’t want their kid to be the same,” Bennett noted. That parent hasn’t yet accepted themselves, she added.

“We have learned a lot about different personality types, and what we know is that extroverts re-charge by being with others, while introverts re-charge by being alone.”

Massachusetts mom Jillian O’Brien said, “I was a very shy child growing up, and I still am. My mom tried to force me into situations to help me, and in my experience, it was torture. Once she accepted this is who I was, and that I wasn’t going to change, a lot of my anxieties went away. Just because I was quiet and shy didn’t mean I wasn’t happy. My two-year-old son is a clone of me, and my husband and I embrace it. I think being able to relate to him will make things easier for him in the future.”

Another Massachusetts mom commented, “I think it’s important to change the tone of the conversation. My daughter can be reserved at the beginning and then is a chatterbox. I really hate it when people say, ‘Oh, are you being shy?’ Why is shy a bad thing?”

She added, “I refuse to sound apologetic because she’s not ‘uber’ out-going. It sends the message that her feelings of discomfort are less important than other people’s social needs. I might say something like, ‘She’s not ready to say hello yet.’ Or, ‘She’ll talk when she’s ready.’ I believe in setting her up for success, not failure.”

One New York mom recalled how, when she was a student in high school, a teacher not only talked to her about her “shyness,” but noted it in a yearbook message — no wonder it stuck with her all these years. “My history teacher actually wrote, ‘Try to break your shyness because I think you will have a great personality if you do.’ That hurt at the time. The truth is I was quiet and shy that year only because I was in a new school surrounded by kids I didn’t know — which he failed to acknowledge. Once I met more kids and made more friends, I was perfectly fine.”

She added, “No one who knows me today would ever think I was shy when I was younger. For this reason, it never bothered me when my own children appeared shy when they were younger. There are different stages and phases. We parents need to support our kids through each of them, encourage their strengths — and obviously be aware of their needs and responsive to them if there truly are any issues or problems.”