Should Kids Have a Sleepover at a Recovering Addict’s Home?

A sleepover is a great opportunity for kids to bond with one another. It enables a child to practice good manners, learn social boundaries and — perhaps most important — make new friends.

There are many reasons why a parent should say “yes” to sleepovers. But how should you respond if your child asks to sleep over at a friend’s house if the parent is a recovering alcohol or drug addict?

The answer is complex.

“Ideally, you should schedule an afternoon or after-school playdate at your house and invite the parent of your child’s friend to join you,” said one expert.

“Addiction is a spectrum disorder that ranges from mild to severe,” addiction specialist Dr. Rod Amiri with a luxury rehab facility, Malibu Hills Treatment Center, told LifeZette. As such, addiction presents itself in many forms — from individuals who may drink heavily on weekends but are otherwise responsible parents, to those who intravenously inject opiates or methamphetamines multiple times a day.

If you believe your child’s friend lives in a house where the latter is going on, your child should not go to that house, period. If it is the former, here are some commonsense guidelines:

Discuss your concerns with your partner. Amiri recommends parents have the sleepover conversation behind closed doors and not in front of the child. It is best to listen to your partner’s concerns, take them seriously, and see if you can come up with a plan that works well for all parties involved.

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Regardless of what you decide, parents need to present a united front when explaining their decision. In the end, you are responsible for your child’s safety. You should do what you feel is best, even if that means tolerating some pushback from your child if he or she disagrees with your decision.

Feel free to reach out to other parents for additional support. It is normal for parents to be concerned about their children — and getting feedback from your peers may help you separate realistic safety concerns from hyper-vigilance created by unlikely or irrational “What if?” scenarios.

Start slow and gradually build up to a sleepover. Ideally, you should schedule an afternoon or after-school playdate at your house and invite the parent of your child’s friend to join you, suggested Amiri. If this playdate goes well, schedule the next one at their house and ask if you can join them. This will give you an opportunity to get to know your child’s friend, their parent, their family and their home environment.

Tell your child: “If you see something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, call me so we can talk about it.”

If your child and his or her friend insist on a sleepover, host the initial sleepover at your house. Amiri noted that letting your son or daughter sleep over at an addict’s house may cause your stress levels to rise. On the other hand — inviting your child’s friend to sleep over at your home may help you reduce anxiety.

Furthermore, if your concerns persist after a positive sleepover with your child’s friend, visit a support group like Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), or talk to a professional. By doing this, you can get expert guidance and discover the best ways to alleviate your concerns.

Maintain open, age-appropriate communication with your child. “There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution to determine whether to let your child sleep over at an addict’s house,” Amiri said. “The key is maintaining open, age-appropriate communication with your son or daughter to find the right solution.”

Depending on your child’s age, keep your answers to your child’s questions simple and direct. Avoid the temptation to over-explain or speak negatively about a friend’s family. Amiri notes that responses such as, “We have discussed this and are just not comfortable with allowing you to sleep over there right now,” will suffice.

Related: A Powerful New Weapon in Today’s Addiction Epidemic

In addition, remind your child that you like his friend — and that his friend is welcome to sleep over at your house at any time. You also can let your child know you’re willing to revisit the issue in the future.

Teach your child about dangerous situations that he or she may encounter during a sleepover. If you decide to let your child sleep over at an addict’s house, discuss the sleepover with your child beforehand and frame the conversation around safety. Amiri recommends developing an open line of communication with your child by saying something like, “If you see something that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, call me so we can talk about it.”

Teach your child about dangerous situations as well. Provide examples of situations that might fit this category, such as loud arguments or physical abuse.

Check in with your child after dinner. Arrange a check-in phone call with your child during a sleepover. Since alcohol and drug use tends to escalate in the evening, plan on calling after dinner.

Make sure your child can speak freely, and ask him open-ended questions such as:

• What did you have for dinner?
• What are your friend’s parents/siblings like?
• What games/activities do you have planned for the rest of the evening?

When in doubt, always put your child’s safety first.

You can ask whether people are drinking or using drugs, but keep the focus on safety. You also can develop a safety scale: On a scale of one to 10 (with 10 being the safest), ask your child to rate his level of comfort and safety.

Finally, have a designated driver pick up your child from the sleepover if necessary. It is better to err on the side of caution, and with a designated driver in place, your child can be picked up from a friend’s house immediately.

Related: When Boredom + Fear = Addiction

Determining whether to let your child sleep over at an addict’s home is a big decision. Allocate the necessary time and resources to consider all of your options. And when in doubt, always put your child’s safety first.

Daniel Kobialka is a freelance writer in Boston, Massachusetts, who writes about addiction, health care, and lifestyle topics for numerous print and online publications.