How to Talk about School Shootings

Almost every week, guns are in the news, and, far too often, schools and colleges are the scenes of shootings.

So what do you say when your child asks you why some people are killing other people?

Trying to sort out the right answers to this very difficult question can lead to some serious anxiety for adults as they search for ways to explain why — when there is no adequate explanation for how we have reached a place where mass shootings are routine.

Luckily, the “why” may not be the most important aspect of the conversation.

Luckily, the “why” may not be the most important aspect of the conversation. Take a moment to reflect on why you — Mom, Dad, Aunt, or Grandpa — feel the need to talk with your child about such events. Most likely you want to know how these events are impacting your children rather than making sure they are well-informed about current events.

Think About a Typical ‘Boo Boo’
Think about what happens when your kid takes a hard tumble at the playground. You walk over, check out the situation, probably ask if they are OK. You offer a couple of soothing words. Then, unless a trip to the ER is needed, you tell them they are all right. You don’t overdo it. You might sit with them for a few minutes, maybe head home early for a Band-Aid.

Now keep the playground scenario in mind for this difficult conversation. You are going to do nearly the exact same thing. As a parent, you know your unique child better than anyone.

So at a time that seems appropriate, simply bring it up. Maybe the news is on and that’s a natural segue. Or perhaps your child mentions it. Don’t worry about the set up, just jump on in with a straightforward question. “So what do you think about that shooting in North Carolina?” (Or wherever it was.)

Open-Ended Approach
This is a simple, open-ended question. While it isn’t cold, it also isn’t overwrought with emotion. It will work well for the kid who isn’t particularly upset and for the kid whose reaction may be more intense.

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Another reason to take a relaxed approach to the discussion is that you are signaling to your children that their world is still safe. Many children are not going to be intensely affected by something that did not directly impact their lives. This is assuming they are spared an overdose of news coverage, which is not healthy for any one child — or adult, for that matter.

Now listen to what they say and empathize with them. Validate their perspective. For example, they say, “That is so sad.” You say, “Yes, it really is heartbreaking.”

You’re handling this is in a really healthy way by calmly approaching the topic while also validating their feelings. If they don’t have much to say, that’s fine as well. No need to force emotions they aren’t experiencing. No way should children be expected to process every tragedy that makes news. If a few just breeze on by, their world so much the better.

Related: Anxious Kids Don’t Make the Grade

If the dreaded “why” questions come up, that’s fine. Go ahead and share that you don’t really understand the “why” yourself. This is another chance to validate their emotions as you talk with them about how frustrating it is that we don’t understand why atrocities happen.

Older Kids
If you have a teen or maybe a particularly insightful 10-year-old who is really interested in the issues, you might further discuss the various perspectives on guns. Remember that if your goal is to see how your kiddo is doing emotionally, then this is not the time for a philosophical discussion about the Second Amendment, mental health disorders, or how no other civilized country on Earth has these problems. However, those conversations are certainly relevant and appropriate for families to have.

To close out the conversation, consider shifting the talk to providing reassurance and a sense of safety to your young person. Talk about how many people devote their lives to keeping other safe. Mention strategies that keep them safe in their lives. Maybe recount safety measures from their school, perhaps even ones that make their eyes roll a bit. Bring the conversation back to their life and their world.

Once you get an idea of how your child is doing and have provided a little reassurance, much like dusting them off after the playground tumble, you are finished and ready to get on with all the other stressful, rewarding and maddening details of family life.

One Additional Thought
If your child seems to really be struggling, continue to check in with him or her, listen and validate the concerns. Encourage your child to share his feelings with other supportive adults in his life. If he doesn’t seem his old self in a few weeks, consider checking in with a professional counselor.

Jill Kaufmann, LMFT, is a family therapist in Bend, Oregon.