Few things are more painful for children than divorce. However, if a divorcing couple can set aside their differences in the best interest of their children, the dividends for all can be priceless.
Such was the case in my own divorce. My former spouse and I made numerous discoveries in the process that seem important to share.
Related: Why Daughters Suffer More from Divorce
Dr. Jason Stein of Brentwood, California, is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. He was our guide before, during, and after this process.
“There must be a mutual desire to move forward, to redefine what ‘family’ means, as opposed to what things are supposed to look like,” he told me. “You two were able to do that — to focus on their kids as the common denominator, and put their best interests first.”
Yet Stein agreed this is a challenging process for all divorcing couples. Many individuals get stuck in the past, feeling hurt or wronged. As long as those feelings take precedence, both people will be stuck until their former partner “rights those wrongs for them” — which will never happen.
Powerful psychological forces are blocking the way as well, said Stein. “All your childhood stuff will come up. Your vulnerabilities will appear, and you’ll each need to find a new road toward individuation. All the questions you had as children and teens come rushing back. ‘Can I be OK on my own? Can I take care of myself? Will I find someone else? Can I have a relationship with the kids without my former partner?'”
[lz_bulleted_list title=”5 Things Kids Want Divorcing Parents to Know” source=”http://www.huffingtonpost.com”]You haven’t failed as a parent.|Fight for a place in your child’s life.|Find a way to co-exist with your ex, without badmouthing that person.|Always be honest. Kids are smarter and more perceptive than parents realize.[/lz_bulleted_list]
I recall feeling all of this, although I wasn’t necessarily aware of it at the time. Stein’s insight into these issues was valuable and helped free me of the negative feelings I would sometimes encounter. Therapy was also an important part of the process.
Said Stein, “Having good therapy to shake people out of that hurt and anger can be uncomfortable, and can create tension for therapist and client. Some people just aren’t ready yet. A therapist must always be aware whether people are really coming to therapy because they want a difference, or to just validate that they’ve tried therapy and it didn’t work.”
The most important element, however, was a mutual desire to put the children above the fray — and always attend to their needs first.
Lori Meyers, my former spouse and a surrogacy attorney with a practice in Sherman Oaks, California, said, “We really did put the kids first. We never put them in the middle of anything, and never badmouthed each other in their presence.”
Related: When Divorce Isn’t Ugly
It wasn’t always easy. We had our moments. The first year, while the divorce was being negotiated, things could get frosty as we grappled with our mutual hurt and anger. Stein said this is no different from grieving after a death. “Grieving is not about getting stuck in the past. It’s living with a death. The marriage died. It’s a symbolic death, but you are both living with it until you can redefine it as something else — new life in the form of the kids, and your own growth, and having other relationships.”
Yet we both did our best to set our feelings aside when we were with the kids. Things thawed gradually — but then something occurred that significantly changed matters and improved an already decent relationship. Each of us had a close friend who died.
Stein said that’s not unusual. “Something experiential happens at some point. Suddenly the future looks different. Former couples see a future where they can work together.”
“The marriage died. It’s a symbolic death, but you’re both living with it until you can redefine it as something else,” said one therapist.
Working together means more than just sharing parental duties. It means communicating about the children. We had frequent discussions about how to introduce new romantic partners to the kids, based on how old the kids were at the time. Now we discuss how to respond to certain questions and observations the kids have about whoever our partner may be.
Now that our children are teens, sometimes they want to talk about things with just one parent. The other parent may or may not know the details, yet a trust exists that if there is something important that must be shared as parents, then it is shared — just as it would be if we were still together.
It also means redefining collective events such as birthdays and holiday gatherings. “It’s classy and sets an example that you and your family show up at important events and parties,” said my former spouse. “It shows the kids we are still a family, just a different kind of family than before.”
Today, Lori and I continue to build our post-divorce relationship with the same mandate we’ve always had: The kids come first.
“The other day, our younger daughter said she can tell adult relationships are hard and asked why, when a relationship ends, must it be a bad thing,” said my former spouse and mother of my children. “After all, she sees that we are both happy apart, yet still knows we love her. I think that’s the biggest victory of all.”
Join the Discussion
Comments are currently closed.