Can Brad and Angie Pivot to the Kids?

Now that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced they’re divorcing, many people are wondering how the couple’s six children will weather the very public fallout.

Many average Americans are asking the same thing about their own families. People need to be as savvy and smart as possible about navigating the very choppy waters of the days and weeks that immediately follow the decision to split.

Parents should not talk kids out of what they may be feeling, say experts.

LifeZette talked to Fred and Laurie Zelinger, a husband-and-wife child psychology team in private practice together in Cedarhurst, New York, about helping kids through a divorce. The Zelingers are also certified school psychologists and have over 30 years’ experience in working with children.

Question: What is your main concern for children after a divorce or separation is announced?
Answer: Our primary concern in terms of the children’s needs centers on the behavior of parents during this difficult process. It’s almost as if the quality of parenting has to be the best it can be, with less tolerance for the errors that are allowed in everyday life.

Parents in an intact family, for example, will argue on occasion and the children can weather those storms more comfortably. During the divorce process, where the child’s fundamental lifestyle is disrupted, parental argument should have almost zero occurrences — and we know that’s a tall order.

[lz_bulleted_list title=”Divorce in the U.S.”source=”http://www.cdc.gov for 2015″]Number of marriages: 2,140,272 (49 reporting states and D.C.)|Marriage rate: 6.9 instances per 1,000 total population (49 reporting states and D.C.)|Divorce rate: 3.2 per 1,000 total population (45 reporting states and D.C.)[/lz_bulleted_list]

Q: Should one parent — or both parents — deliver the news to the kids?
A: We like for both parents to be together and united when they give the children the news, so that the children know that both parents agree on the decision to separate and don’t try to talk them out of it.

Q: What are some “don’ts” for parents in the early stages of divorce?
A: Fighting in front of the children should not occur. Using the children to communicate messages back and forth is inappropriate. Bad mouthing each other when together or separate will create even more harm.

Parents need to communicate that this is an adult decision and not a result of anything a child may have done. Even though the couple will no longer be husband and wife, they will always be the children’s parents — and will find a way to share their time with the kids.

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Parents need to listen to what the children say and not talk them out of what they may be feeling.

Q: What can parents do to help their children adjust?
A: On the plus side, [one way] to help children adjust to two new households is to increase their sense of belonging in each. By maintaining some consistency where possible, children will feel more anchored to their routines.

Examples include: offering favorite foods, having similar clothes in both homes (try to avoid the child having to carry clothes back and forth), and adhering to schedules, including similar bedtimes if possible. Things don’t have to be identical, but should be similar whenever possible.

Parents should encourage their children’s loyalty to both parents, even though the parents themselves don’t feel the same way.

Communication between parents and children regardless of location should be comfortable and accessible. When a child complains about one parent to the other, that parent should redirect the child to discuss the feelings with the parent with whom they are upset.

Parents should encourage their children’s loyalty to both parents, even though the parents themselves do not feel the same desire.

Q: What signs of trouble should parents be watching for in their kids?
A: Some behaviors children may exhibit during the process include regressive behaviors. These include bed wetting, sleep disturbance, change in eating routines, irritability, often being teary, school problems, acting out, stubbornness, or playing one parent against the other.

Parents need to recognize that these are symptoms of underlying stressors regarding the divorce and need to be treated thoughtfully and supportively, without the parents becoming overly reactive. If behaviors persist, however, consulting a mental health professional is advisable.

Related: Why Daughters Suffer More from Divorce

We often recommend that parents consult with a psychologist prior to discussing divorce with their children in order to better understand what they as parents might be expected to deal with. Planning ahead is always a better strategy than reacting in the moment.