The Lost Art of Saying ‘I’m Sorry’

Apologies today are less genuine, less frequent, less common, and less heartfelt — largely because people feel less accountable for their actions and far more entitled to act how they please.

“Personal accountability or responsibility is on a downward spiral, especially with our kids,” said Dr. Michele Borba, a California-based psychologist and the author of “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All About Me World.”

“We are quick to blame others,” she said. “Empathy is also down and what I call the ‘selfie syndrome’ is in full bloom.”

She said this is partly as a result of “poor role models — especially political candidates, top CEOs, celebrities — whose apologies clearly don’t fit the ‘sincere’ category. Not only do they often not assume responsibility, but they often blame the ‘other guy.’ A trait of narcissism or entitlement is the ‘not me’ behavior.”

Borba cited a University of Michigan at Ann Arbor review of studies on more than 14,000 people. It found that empathy among college freshmen was down 40 percent and narcissism was up 58 percent between 1979 and 2009.

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Borba said the best apologies are always sincere. People who apologize genuinely express remorse or admit they were wrong — sometimes both.

Saying Sorry
Dr. Roy Lewicki, a professor emeritus of management and human resources at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business, said there are six components to an apology. The more of them people use, the more effective their apology will be.

He did two recent experiments on how people in a work environment reacted to apologies. His team culled data from 755 people as part of the study, which was published in Negotiation and Conflict Management Research.

The six components of an apology he tested were:

1.) expression of regret

2.) explanation of what went wrong

3.) acknowledgment of responsibility

4.) declaration of repentance

5.) offer of repair

6.) request for forgiveness

He found that the best apologies included all of these — but that acknowledging a mistake was made is the most important aspect of saying you’re sorry. Offering to repair a situation is the second most effective.

“One concern about apologies is that talk is cheap. But by saying, ‘I’ll fix what is wrong,’ you’re committing to take action to undo the damage,” he said in a statement.

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Expressing regret, explaining what went wrong, and declaring repentance tied for third as most important. The least effective element was asking for forgiveness.

The value of each of the six components was the same whether the apology was related to failures of competence or integrity. But overall, participants were less likely to accept apologies when a job applicant showed a lack of integrity versus a lack of competence.

Lewicki said the emotion and voice inflection of a spoken apology can also have an impact on its success. “Clearly, things like eye contact and an appropriate expression of sincerity are important when you give a face-to-face apology,” he said.

Apologies Eroding
Lewicki believes people apologize less today because they’re following the behavior of society.

People are lazy and not willing to do the work it takes to deliver a heartfelt apology.

“Our society/culture has allowed a great number of ‘role models’ to be able to explain away bad behavior and not have to take responsibility for it,” he said.

The team at perfectapology.com, which offers resources to help others put together a solid business or personal apology, said apologies aren’t less genuine today. “Whether or not they are less frequent is impossible to say,” the team told LifeZette.

“It is not so much a question of an entitled mentality,” they said. Instead, people are lazy and not willing to do the work it takes to deliver a heartfelt apology. They also said it takes a more severe infraction with significant consequences nowadays to trigger in individuals the need to extend a proper apology.

A 2013 study done by Baylor University found some people don’t want apologies — they just want power. The most common thing couples want from each other during a conflict, for example, is not an apology — it’s a willingness to relinquish power.