The October frenzy of pink ribbons and fundraisers serve a vital purpose. Breast cancer awareness efforts educate women about self-exams and preventive care — since early diagnosis increases the chances of five-year survival to nearly 100 percent.

The Dallas-based Susan G. Komen for the Cure nonprofit grossed $420 million last year in fundraising, which it used to fund research, treatment development, and community health programs. All told, various breast cancer-based organizations raised $6 billion last year — more than organizations for any other type of cancer in the country.

“My mother did not give up,” said one woman about her mother’s cancer. “She gave up on the system.”

There is incredible hope for those facing a cancer diagnosis — and with so many women sharing their stories, the newly diagnosed are reminded they are not alone. But for some breast cancer survivors, all of the events, outreach, fundraisers, and pink ribbons bring back pain and memories best forgotten.

These patients report callous treatment from oncologists and nurses during their illness. They recall countless surgeries and long wait times, and sometimes a round of chemotherapy that was worse than the cancer itself. Some women resort to a single or double mastectomy to escape death — then face the long trek toward physical and mental recovery.

“I had to fight tooth and nail to heal,” said Apryl Allen, a singer-songwriter in Phoenix, Arizona. “I had a horrible experience, and it brings back those memories.” Allen knows several women struggling with breast and brain cancers who are living with their tumors rather than brave the health care system again.

Allen’s own mother passed away from metastatic breast cancer; Allen said she finally understands the hell her mother went through. “I think [some] people think she gave up because she was 79 years old — but she did not give up. She gave up on the system,” said Allen, pausing to shed some tears. “It shouldn’t be that way.”

[lz_bulleted_list title=”Breast Cancer in U.S.” source=”http://www.cancer.org”]One in eight women will be diagnosed with breast cancer during their lifetime.|Close to 250,000 women will be diagnosed this year alone.|There are 2.8 million women in the U.S. with a history of breast cancer.[/lz_bulleted_list]

When Allen was first diagnosed, her general practitioner handed her a list of specialists and told her point-blank to do her own research. But since time is of the essence in treating cancer, it’s not as though patients can spend a lot of time away from work visiting doctor after doctor to find the right fit. Cancer bills are expensive enough.

Patient advocates often help people find the right specialist early on. Some advocates, however, are paid to help doctors find new patients — not to help patients through a delicate and terrifying process. In Allen’s case, her patient advocate delivered a treatment plan and diagnosis during their second conversation — a diagnosis that ended up being incorrect and increased her anxiety during an already stressful time.

Related: Warriors in the Fight Against Breast Cancer

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She also struggled to find the right doctors while receiving treatment for her cancer between June and November 2013. One surgeon removed cancerous tissue, then left her waiting for weeks while he went on vacation without relaying her diagnosis. She went to his office when he was due back from vacation only to learn, after an hour in the waiting room, that he had extended his time away.

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When she insisted he call to discuss her chances of surviving the cancer, he called and said, “Well, you’re at stage 2. I’ll let you Google that.”

She immediately switched doctors. But after only one appointment, her new oncologist had a falling out with his hospital administrators and left without notifying his patients. Finally, she settled on a third oncologist who got her through the rest of her treatments.

Related: Treating Cancer: Why So Costly?

That’s just the tip of iceberg. Many patients report practitioners who give them panic-inducing worst-case scenarios, administrative staff who make light of their situations, and doctors who don’t prepare them adequately for the side effects of surgery, chemo, and radiation. After her lumpectomy, Allen said she barely had any motion left in her arm; she had to take the initiative to hire a physical therapist to get her range of motion back. It’s still not fully healed.

All this, and we haven’t even mentioned the mountain of medical bills that often accompany a cancer diagnosis.

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Allen recognizes all of the good that Breast Cancer Awareness Month can do. But she feels the celebration of survivorship mocks many of the women who have not, and will not, cross the finish line as victors. In order to process her experiences, she wrote a book called “A Tango with Cancer,” in which she recollects how the fight with cancer is sometimes just as much a fight with the health care providers themselves.

Yes, breast cancer awareness does some great and even crucial work. But in her case — and with many other survivors — the campaign “is a dark cloud that can ignite brutal memories.”