Are You Listening to Me?

It is one of the most basic life skills of all — and apparently we all think we are great at it.

“Everyone has the capacity to be good, active listeners, but listening is a process. The first step involves paying attention,” Heather Fedesco, a Ph.D. who specializes in interpersonal and health communication at Purdue University, told LifeZette.

We’re not getting any better at it, she added, as an increasing mix of commitments and screens compete for our attention throughout the day.

Listening is something we do all the time, consciously and subconsciously. We listen to co-workers, family, and friends. We listen to the TV, computers, and cellphones.

Active listening, however, makes a big difference in how we relate to others and how well we respond to others — whether they’re our co-workers, spouse, or children.

Accenture, a global strategy and consulting company, found that 96 percent of professionals consider themselves good listeners. However, an overwhelming majority — 98 percent of those same professionals — said they spend a lot of their workday multitasking.

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Because of that, 64 percent of those surveyed admitted listening well has become significantly more difficult for them.

So why is this important to assess? A report last month from Development Dimensions International, a leadership consultancy in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania, showed that leaders with good listening skills and those who respond with empathy perform 40 percent better at coaching, engaging others, planning, organizing, and decision-making.

“You need to listen well before you speak; otherwise, your message won’t be adapted well to your specific partner,” Judi Brownell, a professor of organizational communication at Cornell University, told LifeZette.

It’s also a life skill we know we have to develop better with our kids. Kathy Taberner, co-founder of the Institute of Curiosity and a certified executive coach based in Vancouver, told LifeZette that “it starts really young and it’s not a skill that is acknowledged or taught. People think they have it and they don’t.”

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Active listening has shown to improve the connection, the communication, and the amount of trust between parent and child.

Danny Combs, a middle school music teacher in Greenwood Village, Colorado, shared another important point. “Children end up looking at listening as obedience, in part because that’s what parents and teachers think of listening. They’re kind of passively telling kids that listening is obedience — which it’s not.”

Speaking mainly through technology is also preventing children from learning to how listen to what’s not being said, Combs added — meaning the ability to read and “hear” someone’s body language.

To help his students master the concepts of listening, Combs is using a unique approach to music. “We create ‘Found Sound’ songs,” he told LifeZette. “The students go around the school recording random sounds — doors opening, teachers talking, air conditioning, children playing. The objective is to listen to the sounds we normally tune out. They come back and mix the sounds into a piece of music. It’s a wonderful lesson.”

Charles Fischer, a middle school language arts teacher and a colleague of Combs, agreed that listening is an important life skill that needs to be taught. He said he asks his classes, “‘If there was one skill I could teach you that would allow you to be a better student, get better grades, improve your memory, friendships, and family life — would you want me to teach you that skill?’ Then we work on our listening skills. A lot of people define their strongest friendships in terms of how much the other person is willing to listen to them.”

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Here are three points worth sharing to make the most of conversations with others.

Be Honest
Start with a self-assessment, recommended Philip Tirpak, an instructor of communication studies at Northern Virginia Community College. Ask yourself, “What are your strengths and your weaknesses? Limit it to three strengths and three weaknesses. Then ask others for feedback, three positives and three negatives. Then listen — and be prepared to take what you get.”

Be Quiet
Spend time being silent. “The words ‘listen’ and ‘silent’ are anagrams of each other, which suggests there’s a silence in your mind that you need to achieve before you can truly listen,” said Fischer.

Ask Questions
Ask questions, said Taberner, in order “to ensure you’re really understanding the perspective of others, testing assumptions, and re-framing all of those things that come out of effective listening.” Tirpak agreed: “Ask some clarifying questions that show you understand.”

Improving your listening skills can truly enhance your life and the lives of those around you, Taberner added. “It’s a gift. Really understanding other people is very respectful.”