Gregg Gutfeld rightly points out, in a very funny way, that the stories out of Ukraine are either this…

Close

Or this…

 

Yes, it could he both. But one will end up prescient. One side will win. Out of the two narratives, one will triumph. The question is, which one?

Gutfeld: Pete Davidson and Kim Kardashian are still together. It’s the couple that makes me ask: Would World War III be such a bad thing?

But we’ve been off for a few weeks and for good reason. This is a news channel. And war is news. Actually, it’s breaking news, and it’s breaking all the time. But you can’t spell breaking news without a break. And sometimes we do need a break. But first, let’s assess what we know.

KAMALA HARRIS: “So Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine. So basically, that’s wrong.” You know, I love how she speaks to me, like I have a head injury.

Who do you think would win the Presidency?

By completing the poll, you agree to receive emails from LifeZette, occasional offers from our partners and that you've read and agree to our privacy policy and legal statement.

But it’s true. Russia invaded Ukraine. And like Joe Biden reading a children’s book, what assumed would take days is now nearly a month. And with every passing day, things just get more desperate.

And meanwhile, my mother-in-law escaped from Ukraine to Poland, and no, she didn’t write out on her broom. She got out with the help of some very amazing people, which I’ll get into in a second.

But now my wife is out there in Warsaw trying to figure out a way for her mom to get home, which means I’m all alone. But I’ve been trying to keep busy. You know, it’s been really tough. But I’ve managed to make some sympathetic friends. Look, I had to do something. Changing all the locks on the doors of the apartment only took about an hour. But in all seriousness, thanks to Fox, I was able to get my mother-in-law out of Kiev. It’s a pretty amazing tale.

They picked her up in a small village and drove for hours, days even and were able to get her out of danger and to Poland. I believe they did this so I could use my new mother-in-law jokes. For example, my mother-in-law was stuck in Kiev, and it posed a dilemma. Get her out or block her on Facebook? Yes. Dead silence.

I mean, who knew Dagen McDowell knew how to make Molotov cocktails out of hand sanitizer in a bottle of Purel? And who knew Kat could drink those? So it’s obvious: The war in Ukraine is an ugly, bloody thing. It’s also a war between competing narratives. Some are persuasive, but also confusing in this new fog of war. It’s always two movies on one screen. Ukraine is fighting and winning, and Russia is about to crush them.

They say truth is the first casualty of war, but it’s really perspective. When you start to find yourself moving from one stage of hopeful belief to one of cynicism. First, you’re naive. Did you hear about the Phantom of Ukraine shooting down jets? Did you hear about the Ukrainian sailors refusing to surrender? Did you hear about Gutfeld mother in law killing her captors with a can of hairnet?