First of all, to you all you moms out there and especially to mine: Happy Mother’s Day. But, hold one. Your self-appointed PC Thought Police and Democrat Rep. Cori Bush do not want you celebrating such a cis nuclear family, and thus inherently racist and sexist, holiday. That just won’t do. Plus, are moms only moms? Can’t a chair or a Black and Decker cordless drill be a mom? If we reduce motherhood to beings are we being speciesist? Thus, all who give birth, don’t give birth, and may have thought about giving birth are now covered under the Birthing Person’s Day holiday. Yay mom.
As opposed to flowers and a nice lunch, celebrants will be asked to plant a tree for Palestinian Lesbian Orthodontist’s Day and chew khat until you pass out.
The Biden administration’s Office of Destroying Families and Other Fun Leftist Stuff, otherwise known as the Department of Education, will also soon decree that the following holidays will be reformed. Or else.
Father’s Day is now Sperm Donor’s Day. To discourage a homage to the patriarchy and prohibit toxic masculine efforts like grilling and drinking until you ralph on an in-law, the new event will feature a onesie fashion show by males past 35 and a selection of California Chardonnay that tastes like, well, California Chardonnay.
Labor Day will now be International Cog Day. Workers will be directed to think of themselves as mere cogs in a vast soulless machine whose only purpose for existence is to serve our government masters. You know, like old Labor Day, but without the light beer.
President’s Day will remain President’s Day, but no white president will be considered for recognition. There will be a waiver for those who have no idea who or where they are at any given time. Thus, the titular head of the Biden administration will be honored.
July 4th will transform from Independence Day to Codependence Day, as Americans will be asked to think of the state as the cool coworker who just might go out with you if you pledge to debase yourself in any way to win their affections.
Veterans Day will be replaced by Rapers of the Oppressed Month. Every day in October Americans will commemorate the evil of US military arms by joining hands and burning draft cards. Except, there is no draft. So it will be a rather boring holiday.
Thanksgiving is now Thingsgiving, as you are urged to give your money and prized possessions to local Democrat Party officials in exchange for the cheery salutation of “piss off peasant.”
And finally Christmas makes a different appearance as Joemas. The current president will be found on your roof wearing a Santa hat and nothing else. This will be, just like the rest of the administration, in a word, repulsive.