Reindeer Who Didn’t Make the Cut

And probably never will.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

Santa, like any other employer, has labor issues. Mrs. Claus wants a bigger EEO office at ClausInc and the elves claim all the singing and constantly frigid temperatures constitute a hostile work environment. The Bumble has been accused of using Bumble-enhancing steroids and Yukon Cornelius, given his mustache, has been outed as a 1970s era porn star. But the worst are the reindeer.

Through the rigorous vetting process of reindeer games the animals are chosen for speed, reliability, and marketing potential. A good draft choice that makes it to Santa’s team can be worth millions to ClausInc in merchandising alone. Because of that, brand matters. Thus, some potential team members, while showing exemplary speed and reliability, were passed over because of image issues. Here are some of the most notable examples.

1) Blitzkrieg- Cousin of Blitzen, his unfortunate Teutonic military moniker did not inspire joy for children from the Urals to the Atlantic. Actually, the children were terrified of a Nazi-themed reindeer raining items on them from above.

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2) Donner Party- Creepy little brother of Donner, suspicions were raised when 4 reindeer went out on the tundra for reindeer games, but only Donner Party returned, complaining of an upset stomach. Not to mention, marketing a cannibalistic reindeer could prove problematic.

3) Cupidity- Niece of Cupid, Cupidity has a tendency to rifle through the presents on the sleigh and sequester some for herself while substituting reindeer presents for items meant for children. Her scam was uncovered when children in Las Vegas, Nevada received twigs and berries for Christmas instead of their usual Santa delivered gifts of vulgar clothes and oversized jewelry.

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4) Komet- Uncle of Comet, again the marketing staff somehow decided that a WWII Nazi reference, this one to a primitive jet fighter, would bring glee to the hearts of tykes. Wrong. Komet’s public relations rollout did not go well, especially with Polish and French children.

5) Basher- Second cousin of Dasher, Basher tried to get on the team as a legacy, but his inclination to pummel fellow team candidates and then impale them on his antlers was thought to not make him an optimum team player. His marketing association with the bloodthirsty dictator of Syria did not help his case either.

David Kamioner
meet the author

David Kamioner is a veteran of U.S. Army Intelligence and an honors graduate of the University of Maryland's European Division. He also served with the Pershing Nuclear Brigade and the First Infantry Division. Subsequent to that he worked for two decades as a political consultant, was part of the American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina disaster relief effort in Louisiana, ran a homeless shelter for veterans in Philadelphia, and taught as a college instructor. He serves as a Contributing Editor for LifeZette.

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