What To Get Your Leftist Friends For Christmas

If you have any.

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Many of us have generally removed leftists from our lives. And why not? They are irrational cowardly hypocrites. I don’t mean liberals. Your normal garden variety center left liberal, so few of them left, is generally within non-crazy parameters and occasionally even gets one right. But not leftists.

However, sometimes we don’t have a choice. Be they relatives, close pals with whom you don’t talk politics, or sundry individuals that you must associate with, there comes a holiday conundrum.

Because we here are so filled with the altruistic joyous Christmas spirit we thought, well, it’s an easy way to kill 500 words and not say anything of substance…NO! TYPO!…we thought, let us help our noble readers in this season of giving. Thus, let us suggest Christmas gifts for your leftist pals…

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1) A brain- You can get one at any graveyard or at most reputable Mexican organ donor centers with offices in a forest behind a strip mall. Try to get a new one, it transports better. But new or old, it won’t make much of a difference to your favorite Bolshevik, as they’ll hardly use it.

2) Common sense/logic- In short supply in the world in general, this might be a tricky get. However, your commie friend really needs it. So do your best. It will enable these poor wretches to do heretofore impossible tasks for them, like knowing the difference between freedom and the socialism and not believing that a president who has never said a bigoted thing is a stone cold racist.

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3) Courage (okay, this seems to be taking Wizard of Oz turn)- Actually in large supply amongst our military and police departments. You know, everyone leftists hate. So the transplant may not take very well, as the leftist host rejects anything that even vaguely smacks of valor or virtue and instead prefers to wallow in Netflix kiddie porn and effete physical timidity. That’s why any armed conflict with these people would be over comically fast.

4) A heart- Actually, they have one of these. We know this because it bleeds all over the place. It bleeds for Islamist terrorists, but not for their victims. It bleeds for Antifa and Black Lives Matter thugs, but not for those they terrorize. It bleeds for the bureaucrats of the education system, but not for their youthful charges who they indoctrinate, not educate. Perhaps we can just rip their defective organs out and sell them for spare parts. But, what kind of idiots would take them?

5) A fight- Awww, how sweet, how yule-filled. I think this is what they really want. Like that pony on their 6th birthday they never got. They’ve been hinting at it for over four years. It would be cruel not to give it to them. And since we know what they prefer from those last four years, we need it give it back to them in the same manner they gave it to us. But this time harder, tougher, dirtier. As that wonderful Christmas movie “The Untouchables” metaphorically opined, brimming with holiday cheer, “They send one of our guys to the hospital? We send one of their guys to the morgue.” Merry Christmas!

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This piece was written by David Kamioner on November 23, 2020. It originally appeared in SteveGruber.com and is used by permission.

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Steve Gruber is an award-winning journalist, TV broadcaster and radio host with more than 30 years of experience. He founded and built one of America's premier TV production companies and now hosts the number-one syndicated radio program in Michigan, "The Steve Gruber Show."

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