Presidential knife fight! Who would win?

Instead of campaigning, what if it was a cage match?

Image Credit: The White House

In a hilarious piece on social media by Geoff Micks, he wonders what would happen if all the presidents got in a ring and fought with knives until only one emerged alive. No, we don’t want to see anyone knifed and bleeding. But the mere theoretical aspect of it is good fun.

This is a sampling of Micks’ ratings of various presidents in the fight. After that, we will give you our 2020 presidential campaign ratings in the same scenario.

“John Quincy Adams- That man had a murderer’s face, a murderer’s eyes, and a murderer’s haircut. Based on these intimidating characteristics alone I’m going to say he makes Top 10. If he teams up with dear old Dad and they watch each other’s back they might even become crowd favorites until the portly lawyer is overcome by a rabid Jackson/Lincoln/Teddy Roosevelt assault.”

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“Andrew Jackson –It’s already been said: The man’s nickname was Old Hickory because he walked around town with a bludgeon that to the untrained eye was a walking stick. A man who can beat a would-be assassin within an inch of his life with a cane is going to be a murder machine when provided with an implement designed to end a man’s life. I think of the Top Three he’d be reckless enough to go down first, but he’d also probably have the highest overall kill count.”

Hence why Jackson’s portrait adorns Trump’s Oval Office. And you didn’t think we’d forget…

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We paraphrase here.

Barack Obama- He is not a scraper. He’d get scared and probably try to negotiate an end to hostilities, and while he was talking some other president would get the better of him. In an arena full of knife-wielding war veterans, I don’t hold out a lot of hope that he’d make it through the first few minutes.


Our 2020 takes?

Liz Warren- The first to go for sure. The first time she opens her yap everyone, both parties, gut her. She expires blathering on about transgender penguins.

Cory Booker- He hides behind Bernie. Bernie is annoyed and just sidesteps when Pence, a marauding manic, hysterically laughs and dispatches Booker. Pence then bathes in the blood and wears Booker’s face as a party hat.

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Joe Biden- Confused, he drops his knife and wanders the ring calling out for Corn Pop. Everybody else just stops and stares, slowly shaking their heads. Joe eventually trips and impales himself. His smiling last words are, “You..have..nice smelling hair…little girl.” Meanwhile Andrew Jackson, miraculously risen from the dead, is quietly sitting in a corner drinking moonshine out of the skull of Jimmy Carter.

President Donald Trump- With trusty sidekick veep Pence, who Trump has to restrain lest he tear all the others apart with his bare hands, Trump is nonchalant as the fight goes on and he watches the others slice and stab away. Finally, it’s just him and Bernie Sanders. Sanders is not a small guy and he’s filled with commie rage. Trump subtly glances at Pence and the veep reluctantly stands down. Sanders advances on Trump. Trump yawns. Sanders lunges, screaming about healthcare, with knife held high! Trump whips out a Glock 18 and puts him down with a burst.

Who said Donald Trump played by the rules?

David Kamioner
meet the author

David Kamioner is a veteran of U.S. Army Intelligence and an honors graduate of the University of Maryland's European Division. He also served with the Pershing Nuclear Brigade and the First Infantry Division. Subsequent to that he worked for two decades as a political consultant, was part of the American Red Cross Hurricane Katrina disaster relief effort in Louisiana, ran a homeless shelter for veterans in Philadelphia, and taught as a college instructor. He serves as a Contributing Editor for LifeZette.

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