Another Year of Hollywood Remakes

There’s been a rumor going around that the 2017 Oscars may get cancelled. Some think the Academy is going to nix them in protest over President Donald Trump’s recent immigration executive order.

We seriously doubt something like that would ever happen: Hollywood would never pass up the chance for a few hours of self-congratulation, much less the chance to grandstand and bloviate during their acceptance speeches the way Meryl Streep did at the Golden Globes.

Hollywood would never pass up the chance for a few hours of self-congratulation.

If Hollywood really wants to threaten us with something most of us wish they would do anyway, we have a suggestion: How about these people stop — or even slow down — with the endless remakes, reboots, re-imaginings and sequels in their endless drive to keep milking cash out of franchises that went dry a long time ago?

How about giving us original stories that say something fresh about humanity and the state of the world?

The chances of Hollywood pulling their foot back from the gas pedal of remake-fever are about as good as them actually cancelling the Oscars.

Here’s a handful of upcoming remakes we’re looking forward to not watching.

“Amityville: The Awakening”
Scheduled for release in June, this will be the 14th movie so far about the infamous house in Long Island, New York — in addition to countless other spinoffs, documentaries, TV specials and books. Rumor has it, however, that this one will be a “found footage” movie. Yep — we’ve seen several “Amityville” remakes and sequels; and we’ve seen it in 3D; we’ve seen it from the perspective of widely discredited paranormal researchers Ed and Lorraine Warren. This time, we’re going to see a family that somehow moved into the house without being aware of its history.

Sorry, but we’ll have a hard time empathizing with anyone that clueless. Maybe it would be more believable if Harry and Lloyd from “Dumb and Dumber” were the ones who moved in (we hope we didn’t just give any producers any ideas).

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“WarGames”
“If there was ever a movie primed to say something new and bold and relevant for our time, it’s ‘WarGames,’” gushed director Dean Israelite about this flick, according to Den of Geek. Back in 1983, the threat of nuclear war was relevant all right, and computers were still mysterious and a bit threatening to everyday consumers. The “WarGames” remake has been in and out of the rumor mill for about two years — so it’s anyone’s guess what bold, relevant crisis a rogue supercomputer could create this time. Will it commandeer President Donald Trump’s Twitter account? Shut off Wifi all over the world? Replace Siri’s regular voice with comedian Gilbert Gottfried?

“It”
The 1990 TV adaptation of Stephen King’s novel had a lot of problems: ghastly dialogue, laughable special effects, and a cast that only vaguely resembled the characters from the book. But two things made it work: First, ABC wisely decided to make it a miniseries, given that the book was 1,138 pages long. More importantly, the inimitable Tim Curry played Pennywise the Clown and created a character that has haunted many children’s nightmares — and become a cultural staple for scary clowns.

Curry left some mighty big shoes to fill, even for clown shoes. So what will the September theatrical release have that the miniseries didn’t? Simple: Unlike the TV version, the movie will probably be rated R. With freshman director Andrés Muschietti (“Mama”) and writer Gary Dauberman (“Final Destination 5,” “A Nightmare on Elm Street”) at the wheel, expect lackluster performances with lots of gratuitous sex, violence and gore to make up for a lack of imagination.

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“Baywatch”
Why is Hollywood so desperate to mine the ’80s and ’90s for content? “Baywatch” ran for 11 seasons and produced a handful of television movies. It was certainly popular for its time, but do we really need Hollywood to give it the cynical, tongue-in-cheek treatment they’ve given other beloved franchises — “21 Jump Street,” “Charlie’s Angels,” “Starsky and Hutch,” etc.?

We’re trying to get excited at the thought of — not Pamela Anderson, but rather Dwayne Johnson, jogging down the beach with his massive pecs bobbing along in slo-mo. We’re failing miserably.

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