Parent Your Teenager Well, Then Get Out of the Way

Many parents hate the idea of making their child upset. They don’t want to incite a tantrum — and they certainly don’t want their child to be angry at them.

Parents don’t want to parent — they want to be a friend. That’s easier. More fun. But that’s also a parenting tactic that’s sure to backfire.

“Teens who don’t like rules and limits have a harder time getting along with teachers, employers, friends and romantic partners.”

When parents don’t set limits, kids don’t develop the ability to tolerate frustration or to manage themselves, often growing up to become whiny teens — and even worse, entitled adults who have trouble sticking with difficult tasks, said Dr. Thomas Phelan, a registered clinical psychologist and author of “1-2-3 Magic Teen: Communicate, Connect, and Guide Your Teen to Adulthood.”

“Limits and rules are a part of life. In a sense, they are also a prescription for how to live a good life. Being able to put up with reasonable restrictions and guidelines is part of what is known as high frustration tolerance — a critical skill for adult success no matter what one chooses to do.”

Not to mention that reasonable limits keep teens safer — especially when dealing with the big four adolescent risks: driving, drugs and alcohol, sex and romance, and technology, Phelan said.

Still, it isn’t easy. There’s a fine line between setting limits and encouraging independent decision-making.

Related: Why Teens Need More Screening

“Parenting teens can be tough. As a mom or dad, you can often feel you are being torn into many pieces … Respect and maintain your house rules while you increasingly allow more and more independence for your teenagers. You do want them to become competent adults who are financially independent, have their own friends, start their own families, and know how to enjoy life on a daily basis. In other words, set up your house rules, maintain a good relationship with your kids — and then get out of their way.”

Phelan shared more of his thoughts with LifeZette in an interview.

Question: What does it mean to set limits with your teenager?
Answer: It means having what we call “House Rules.” These are agreed upon (and sometimes written) rules regarding issues such as hours, use of the car, alcohol and drugs, studying and grades. Parents can also have an understanding with their teens about work, money management, family outings, and even dating and friends. Setting limits can also include agreements about how to handle violations of the contracts that have been made.

Q: Whatever happened to teenagers simply having respect for their elders?
A: Part of the answer lies in human history. Adolescence, and the mistrust/dislike of adults that often accompanies it, is a relatively recent phenomenon. Just a few hundred years ago, adolescence probably did not exist. You were a child, and then — bam! — you were an adult. There was no in-between. Adolescence is largely a function of industrialized countries in which education became more and more important for job success.

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Education, in turn, delayed growing up because kids had to remain in school. In the U.S. today, the delay from onset of puberty to leaving home and hitting the job market can be seven to 10 years or more. Teenagers really want to be adults, but today they have to sit around and wait for that. Can’t blame them for not liking the long and somewhat nebulous interval. In our culture, I don’t think we do a good job of helping kids make this intermediate existence meaningful.

Q: How do parents make the tough decisions they have to enforce with teens today?
A: First, nail down your house rules. Keep them minimal, firm, and fair. Second, stay in touch. Discuss social media, sex, lax culture, politics, and drugs with your kids. This does not mean lecture them. Allow for differences of opinion and be respectful.

Q: How do parents stay firm but fair with teens?
A: Whatever comes out of a parent’s mouth during a parental temper tantrum automatically becomes silly and useless — even if the words themselves might look reasonable if they were written down on paper. Parents often feel anxious and sometimes even guilty when they explain a rule or a consequence to a disgruntled-looking adolescent. One important parenting skill is knowing when to stop talking. In many situations, the more you talk, the less sure of yourself you look.

Related: Far Fewer Teens Are Driving Today. What’s Up?

Q: What happens to teens who haven’t had limits imposed on them?
A:  Teens and adults who don’t like rules and limits have a harder time getting along with teachers, employers, friends, and romantic partners. They also get hurt more often by means of traffic accidents, drug use, unwanted pregnancy and STDs, and internet predation.

Tips for Raising an Independent Teen
When they are concerned about a possible problem, parents of teens need to think a bit before they intervene, advised Phelan. There are four possible intervention roles moms and dads can consider. Choosing the best role depends on several things: the child’s safety, the parent/child relationship, and the goal of increasing a teen’s independence.

Some things are just not going to be negotiable.

Here are four different roles parents can play:

1.) Observer. In this role, a parent really does nothing other than watch what’s happening for a while. Maybe your son has a new friend you’re not sure about. Sit tight for a bit and see how the new relationship develops.

2.) Adviser. Your daughter, who normally maintains a B average, is getting a D in science this semester. You might ask her what’s up, listen attentively, then suggest she try talking things over with her teacher. Keep in mind, though, that when you are in the Adviser role, your child does not have to accept your advice. Tell them you’ll trust them to work things out. That’s respecting independence.

3.) Negotiator. Something is bugging you and you do not feel your adolescent is handling it well. Your next possible intervention role is to negotiate. You first set up an appointment — spontaneous problem discussions are dangerous and volatile. You might say something like, “When’s a good time for you and me to talk about the leftover food in your room? It’s starting to smell up there.”

4.) Director. Your 17-year-old son broke up with his girlfriend two months ago. His grades have dropped, he’s lost weight, and he seems always crabby. You think he’s depressed, so you’re going to gently but firmly insist he see a counselor. Listen sympathetically first, then make your suggestion and ask him to think about it. But it’s not going to be negotiable.