Election Coverage Withdrawal Begins

Maybe you’re thrilled with the new president this morning — maybe you’re not. Either way, election addiction withdrawal officially starts today.

This election cycle has taken its toll on all of us, for many reasons. Let us wean ourselves carefully, staying hydrated, taking aspirin, and avoiding bright lights as we adjust to the country after Election Day.

No more funny campaign signs. No more debate drinking games. Sigh.

Still, most of us will miss some aspect of the campaign. Really.

Not unlike Stockholm syndrome, which causes hostages to empathize with and even miss their evil captors, many of us will miss the 2016 drama, which has held our minds — and the media — captive for the past 16 months or so (though to some it’s felt more like 16 years). Now that it’s all over, the voids begin.

For example, there’s no more wondering how to pronounce Quinnipiac. Depending on which journalist and network mentioned the campaign polls from this small Connecticut college, the emPHAsis was on difFERent sylLABles. We’ll miss trying to figure it all out and watching news anchors struggle to the point of stuttering.

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We’ll no longer be able to mute political ads on TV, either. Now we’ll hear everything the boob tube spits out. Are we ready for that much noise?

And now — oh, bother — we’ll have to learn the channel numbers for other TV networks and figure out their programming, since the election coverage will no longer dominate our thoughts and screens. Will we watch “Tiny House Nation” or “Seinfeld” re-runs? Or maybe, as a form of metaphorical methadone, we’ll just consume the post-mortems as pundits rehash election results and predict our future political landscape.

No more funny signs, either. “Nope and Noper,” “Hillary for Prison,” “Giant Meteor 2016,” “There Will Be Hell Toupee,” and our favorite, “Liar, Liar, Pantsuit on Fire,” will no longer grace the neighborhood sod. Sure, the funny bumper stickers will remain on cars since adhesive is eternal, but that’s cold comfort. It just won’t be the same pre-election tension.

The more risqué will miss their presidential debate drinking games. Laughing and downing a slug of something every time Hillary falsely claimed she was qualified for the job was entertaining — and sometimes dangerous, depending on how long she blathered.

Besides all this, there will be no more losing partisan frenemies on Facebook. Yes, the Great Political Divide of 2016 separated not only political parties but family members, acquaintances, friends, and neighbors. Wanna know who your real peeps are today? Look around at who is still talking to you on this, the Day After. Or, if you were less vocal on social media, then who are you still speaking to?

Related: Baldwin Brothers in Tiff Over Tough Election

Not only that, but there will be no more checking the polls or hearing about the polls or being called by pollsters. What?? No more polls?? Whatever will fill the pollsters’ void?? (We hope it’s not the Kardashians, but it probably will be. Sigh.)

We’ll also miss clever food campaigns promoted by restaurants that hitched their wagons to the campaign stars, punning all the way. Everything from sandwiches to cookies bore witticisms and candidates’ names.

There was Hillary Hooch and Trump Tonic from Avery’s Soda, for example. And who could resist Happy Hilloween candy corns from IT’SUGAR? The Oval Room, in Washington, D.C., offered the Build That Wall martini, while the Ottoman Taverna, also in D.C., offered libations called The Pantsuit and The Side Sweep.

Related: Trump Tonic, Hillary Hooch

But maybe the best food of all is Bananas Smoothies & Frozen Yogurt’s “Orange You Glad It’s Over?” smoothie, created to toast the 45th president — regardless of who got the job. Apparently, they just want people to relax after a long, hard political season.

Of course, some people believe they will miss absolutely nothing about the 2016 election. We don’t trust them, though. Anything that’s as intense and takes as painfully long as this campaign will leave some sort of emptiness when absent.

Now, let’s detox and take a long, hot figurative shower to rinse off all the mudslinging we’ve witnessed. And be glad. Headlines like “Worst Election Ever” are a thing of the past.