At a Loss for the Right Words?

A big white truck pulled up in my next-door neighbor’s driveway about a month ago. Two drivers unloaded a hospital bed where her husband would spend his last days, looking out onto the lake from the couple’s living room.

Hospice arrived and her husband died three days later.

The process is unpredictable, so when in doubt say, “I’m thinking of you.”

At one time or another, we all lose a loved one or dear acquaintance. It is a sad fact of life that some of us deal with better than others — though pain can also be buried or reveal itself in a variety of ways.

At such devastating times, we need the comfort and support of our friends and family. But death is a painful topic of conversation for many people.

So what do you say to someone who is grieving?

And more importantly, what don’t you say?

1.) Share a fond memory.
A happy, heartfelt story about a loved one helps the bereaved person focus on the happy memories instead of the sorrowful times.

“Jim was the most generous guy I ever met, especially when he helped me install my new sprinkler system last summer,” you might say to a friend. “I will always remember his thoughtfulness.” Specifics like these work wonders.

Related: Hearts Can Break from Grief

2.) Say something or write a letter.
If you are at a loss for words, simply be honest and acknowledge that: “There are no words,” or “I wish there was something I could say to help ease your pain.”

If you aren’t comfortable saying anything, a warm hug can do wonders.

If you still aren’t comfortable expressing your condolences in person, you should do so in writing. It’s always appropriate (and is good etiquette) to send a sympathy card or a letter just letting someone know you care.

3.) Neutralize your comments. 
When you comfort someone with different beliefs, refrain from saying things like, “It was God’s plan,” “You’re in my thoughts and prayers,” and “God gained another angel.” You can seem insensitive when what you intend is the very opposite of that.

Some people may take longer to share details. In that case, the best gift you can give is space and time.

“He’s in a better place,” or “It was for the best,” may also come across as insensitive — especially to parents who have lost a child. When told her son was in a “better place” after losing him at birth, a friend of mine was far more upset than comforted.

Instead, you might say, “Just remember, I’m here for you.” Or, “Please know I’m holding you (and your precious baby) in my heart.”

Related: Trusting God in Tragedy

4.) Focus on the grieving person.
When someone loses a loved one, he is more concerned about his own grief — not yours. “I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mother last year,” or “I know what you’re going through,” are insignificant comments to the bereaved person. You probably don’t know how that person feels at all — since everyone grieves differently.

5.) Think before you speak.
When one of my friends lost her father, she was asked, “How are you doing?” Although the question was well-intentioned, my friend took offense and thought to herself, “How do you think I feel?” It can be difficult for someone to answer a specific question immediately after they have lost a loved one.

Furthermore, never say, “The pain will eventually lessen with time.” This may come across as callous — not caring. Some people grieve for a short time while others grieve for a lifetime. The process is unpredictable, so when in doubt, just say, “I’m thinking of you.”

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6.) Respect the person’s privacy.
Most people are curious to know how a person passes away. However, don’t get too personal or invasive by asking questions. The cause of death may be irrelevant to the one who is grieving. Allow that person time to share the details with you when appropriate.

Some people may take longer to share details and, in that case, the best gifts you can give are space and time.

7.) Lend a helping hand.
Actions often speak louder than words. Instead of saying, “Call me if I can do something for you,” take the initiative and just do it. Those who are grieving don’t want to make any more decisions than absolutely necessary, so they most likely won’t call you.

Offer to take the person out to lunch or to a movie. Offer to make food, buy groceries, clean the house, or help make phone calls. If they have small children, offer to take care of them if you are able. Your constant friendship and small favors will be more meaningful and beneficial in the long run.

8.) Concentrate on the present, not the future.
It’s never a good idea to ask a widow or widower if they think they will marry again. Furthermore, never say, “I guess you can now join us for singles night,” “I’ve already picked out your next husband (or wife),” or “If you plan on selling your spare car — please keep me in mind.”

The bereaved person can do without these types of questions.

Imagine yourself in their shoes — what would help you most to hear?

Jacqueline Whitmore is an international etiquette expert, a bestselling author, and the founder of The Protocol School of Palm Beach.