Taylor Swift’s Ever-Changing Love Life
No one knows the path of her latest romance, but maybe these inspirations will follow
Though her albums have brought her steady success and admiration over the past decade, Taylor Swift’s tumultuous love life tends to steal the spotlight.
The singer-songwriter notoriously took a break from dating in 2013 and 2014 due to the media pressure, stating in a 2014 Cosmopolitan article, “I’ve learned that just because someone is cute and wants to date you, that’s not a reason to sacrifice your independence and allow everyone to say whatever they want about you. I’m not doing that anymore.”
Previous beaux reportedly include Joe Jonas (who, according to Swift, broke up with her over a 27-second phone call), “Twilight’s” Taylor Lautner, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, musician John Mayer, One Direction’s Harry Styles, and 17-year-old Conor Kennedy (yes, of those Kennedys — he’s the grandson of the late Robert F. Kennedy).
Until a few weeks ago, she was in a 15-month relationship with DJ and producer Calvin Harris (real name Adam Wiles). She publicly thanked him at the 2016 iHeartRadio Music Awards, saying, “I had the most amazing person to come home to when the spotlight went out and when the crowds were all gone, so I want to thank my boyfriend Adam for that,” according to E! Online.
The breakup was reportedly amicable, and Taylor seemed to be staying under the radar. That was until last week, when she was spotted canoodling with “Thor” star Tom Hiddleston — and all hell broke loose across several fandoms.
Swift frequently incorporates her paramours (or the breakups) into her award-winning albums. For instance, “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is allegedly about her two-month romance with Jake Gyllenhaal — while “Dear John” was apparently about John Mayer, and “I Knew You Were Trouble” was about teen heartthrob Harry Styles, according to Billboard.com.
Most of the men Taylor Swift has dated have been either well-known actors or a particular caliber of musician. While Hiddleston certainly fits into the former category, his notability as a feature of the Marvel Cinematic Universe potentially opens up a whole new world for Swift. Now that she’s gotten a taste of Loki, what other influential universes might she look to for songwriting inspiration?
Here are a few songs that might appear on future albums.
‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Thor’s Hammer’
Tom Hiddleston reveals himself as the modern incarnation of the Trickster God Loki, and attempts, in true Nordic style, to wrest control of Asgard away from his foster-brother Thor. His attempts to enlist Taylor Swift in this endeavor, unfortunately, are futile — and Mjolnir remains safely in the God of Thunder’s possession.
Swift, walking near her home on the Rhode Island shore, comes across Arthur Curry, a man from Atlantis who also happens to be a member of the Justice League. “Do you remember we were sitting there by the water? You came from out of the sea for the first time.”
Swift accidentally runs through a circle of standing stones and into 18th-century Scotland, where she becomes enamored with a kilt-wearing, tartan-clad Highlander. Having already dated Calvin Harris, Swift is pretty familiar with Scottish culture — albeit several centuries later. The accent, at least, doesn’t give her any trouble.
‘Stake It Off’
Much like another young and confident blonde, Swift does the occasional night patrol in Sunnydale, with her trusty cross and stake. Perhaps a brooding vampire reminiscent of a young David Boreanaz crosses her path?
Swift becomes frustrated with her relationship with Bruce Banner, who seems unable to moderate either his anger or his skin color. “One day I’ll be living in a big old city,” she tells him, “and all you’re ever going to be is green.”
‘I Knew You Were Tribbles’
They’re fluffy, adorable blobs of fur — and they make rabbits look like pandas when it comes to reproduction. T-Swift’s fascination with these cute creatures is short-lived as they rapidly take over her dressing room and then her concert venue. She is forced to call on Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise for help.
After a brutal Cylon attack, Swift finds herself stranded on the Battlestar Galactica, with little hope of ever returning to Earth. As she prepares for a lifetime of boredom, her final song reveals the nostalgia and irony of her seldom-boring romantic past.
Sure, all of this is a little far-fetched. After all, Captain Kirk won’t be born until 2233, and Sunnydale, California, was destroyed in 2003. But these songs sound significantly more entertaining than the fallout of her Calvin Harris breakup — the Scottish DJ recently unfollowed her on Twitter, and was spotted wearing a pair of Swift enemy Kanye West’s “Yeezy” brand sneakers.
A real hero would have been wearing the Infinity Gauntlet.