How to Parent for Good Behavior

While most parents would say they want to raise compassionate kids, they might be surprised to discover just how little they’re actually modeling the behaviors they hope to pass on.

“We’re expected to be accessible 24 hours a day,” says Sami Cone. “The technology that’s supposed to be helping us is ruining our lives. We look forward to when the kids go to bed so we have some time to ourselves.”

Sami Cone was.

A few years ago, Cone’s daughter, now 11, had been going through a stage Cone described as “exceedingly selfish.” Cone desperately prayed that her daughter would learn how to put the needs of others ahead of her own wants.

And then it hit her. Where had she learned this behavior? Where had she learned it was okay to want every McDonald’s Happy Meal toy in a series? Where had she learned it was fine to have a room full of stuff, yet still want more? Where had she learned to expect presents for every holiday (including half-birthdays)?

“She learned it from me.” And that’s when Cone realized, “If I wanted my daughter to change, the change had to start with me.”

In her book, “Raising Uncommon Kids,” Cone, a radio host and mother of two from Nashville, Tennessee, shows parents a new way to look at molding their children, one in which focusing on adding good behaviors and attitudes is more powerful than eliminating bad ones.

“Our kids are our kids for a reason, and they act the way they do because of us as parents,” Cone says. “So it’s time to turn the mirror on ourselves. What kind of behavior are we modeling for our kids?”

Related: Put Kids’ Faith to Work This Summer

Cone grounds her advice in scripture — specifically the 12 characteristics found in Colossians 3:12-17 — and offers plenty of stories from her own life to show these principles in action to create a home and family that exhibits love, harmony, and generosity of spirit in a self-centered world.

Question: What are today’s parents doing wrong?

Answer: Honestly, we’re so caught up in business of the moment that we fail to focus on the big picture and the end goal. We’ve bought into the idea that we have to do it all and be everything to everybody. But when you do that, you’re nothing to no one. Most parents want to provide more for their kids that what they were provided, but sometimes that skews too far in the opposite direction. Kids have no concept of what it means to be a part of the greater community.

Q: Why do you think parents aren’t modeling the behaviors they’d like to see their own kids embody?

“Faith is not just one hour on Sunday and you’re done. It’s not just praying before dinner.”

A: I think we’re tired. We have jobs that aren’t 9 to 5. We’re expected to be accessible 24 hours a day. The technology that’s supposed to be helping us is ruining our lives. We look forward to when the kids go to bed so we have some time to ourselves.

So the thought of volunteering or giving back to others, for example, doesn’t come to the forefront until tragedy strikes your family. Then you know the impact. I don’t want us to wait to be willing to lend a hand. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture — sometimes it’s just sending someone a note. It might not seem like it will solve the world’s problems, but it means a lot. When you start doing that, it helps breed the bigger idea that in order for our world to work better, we need to work together.

Q: Why is focusing on good behaviors and attitudes more important than eliminating bad ones?

A: With anything, when you focus on the negative, you can become negative. There are three things that bring consequences in our family: dishonesty, disobedience, and disrespect. But instead of focusing on the negative, we focus on the behaviors we want to see: honesty, obedience, and respect. It’s a simple turn of phrase, but it helps focus on the positive.

Q: Why does Colossians 3:12-17 speak to you so strongly?

A: When you ground yourself in scriptural elements, there’s no wavering, no faltering. This passage features such wide, practical wisdom about compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It’s like a roadmap. It’s clear and direct. There’s no misunderstanding the meaning behind this passage and about how all these great characteristics working together will bring people together in unity and harmony.

Q: How can you keep kids focused on faith in today’s crass culture?

A: It’s consistency. That’s the only thing. Faith is not just one hour on Sunday and you’re done. It’s not just praying before dinner. Compassion is not just volunteering on Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. You can’t do that and think you’re going to raise compassionate, faith-filled kids. So it’s about keeping faith and compassion at the forefront of what we do and helping our kids develop an attitude of gratitude in everything they do.