Choosing to start or expand a family is one of the most exciting times in an adult’s life. The joy can quickly turn to devastation, however, if a pregnancy ends unexpectedly. Aside from the pain, many women struggle to get past the shame they feel with miscarriage.

A recent survey of more than 6,000 women who have had miscarriages found that some two-thirds felt the experience was hard to discuss. The study, by the U.K.-based charity Tommy’s, which provides information on miscarriage, stillbirth, and premature birth to expecting parents, also found that nearly 80 percent of women felt as if they had failed by losing their baby. Seventy percent felt guilty.

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says about 20 percent of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage. Some experts even believe that roughly half of all pregnancies end in miscarriage when considering all those that happen before the pregnancies are confirmed by a doctor or before the mother even realizes she’s pregnant.

So pregnancy loss is common. Many women conceal the pain they feel because of guilt, shame, embarrassment, or a lack of compassion from others.

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Several parents who have suffered loss offered to share their brutally honest stories with LifeZette, hoping this might help others during a difficult time.

‘Trying to Be Discreet While Sobbing Uncontrollably’
Vanessa Jones (not her real name) is a mother of three on the East Coast who miscarried twice. The first time, a home pregnancy test had revealed she was expecting, but she miscarried a week later. Her husband gave her a hug but brushed it off. Recovering from the loss was something she had to do alone.

Her second miscarriage happened when she was 10 weeks along. During an ultrasound, the tech examined her for a very long time, checking and re-checking. “Then the tech put me in a room and said the doctor would call me. I sat there for more than 30 minutes growing more and more upset — and slowly began to realize that my baby was dead.”

Someone finally told her to go upstairs to her doctor’s office. Jones cried as she rode the elevator. She sat for another hour in a waiting room as a TV blared pregnancy advice and a bunch of happy pregnant women stared at her. “I was trying to be discreet while sobbing uncontrollably,” she said.

More than two hours after the ultrasound, her doctor finally broke the news. Because there were no immediate openings to have the surgery, Vanessa had to wait over a week. “I had an event on Capitol Hill. It was torture,” she told LifeZette. “I felt pregnant; I had a little bump. Somehow I put on a fake smile and got through the week.”

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Vanessa Jones became pregnant with her third child several months later. She said that when she talked to friends about her miscarriages, many opened up about their own losses.

‘Having to Tell a Lot of People Can Pile on the Pain’
Melissa and Rick Smith (also not their real names) experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks when trying for a second child.

The couple had told a lot of people they were expecting. It was “sad to have to tell people (the outcome) and make them feel bad for me,” said Melissa Smith. “If one more person said, ‘I can’t imagine what it must be like,’ I might have slapped them. I didn’t ask them to imagine it!”

It took a long time for her to get back to normal. Her hormones were out of whack. “I wanted to start trying [for another baby] right away,” she said. “I felt like being pregnant again was the only way to wash away the pain of the miscarriage.”

When that did finally happen, she kept the news guarded. “A miscarriage is not something shameful to hide, but having to tell a whole lot of people can pile on the pain.”

The agony doesn’t just affect mothers. Rick Smith described the loss as “just all-consuming sadness.” He said he wished he could have done more for his wife, that watching her go through the experience was extremely difficult. “I tried to be as supportive as possible but, for a time, it just wasn’t enough.”

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Rick Smith is today a big believer in limiting communication about the new baby until the mother is out of the first trimester. He also encourages any parents who experience a miscarriage to surround themselves with loving people.

His father offered him the most comforting words: “It likely wasn’t meant to be and there was a reason; and it’s not your fault.”

‘Kindest and Worst Moments Came at the Hospital’
When Jennifer Moon (not her real name) experienced a miscarriage at about seven weeks, she was nonchalant when she broke the news to her husband — she thought she could get through this loss matter-of-factly (the couple had one older child). But not long afterward, she became emotional and grief-stricken.

She opted for surgery right away. She said the “kindest and worst moments came at the hospital.” She knew a D&C (dilation and curettage) was a relatively simple procedure and assumed it would be quick. After checking in she had to wait nearly 5 hours. By the time they prepped for surgery, she broke down. The reality that the pregnancy was over had sunk in. A nurse comforted her and “was just wonderful and warm.”

Then came the circus. Nurse after nurse came in to see her. Each one asked for her name and birthdate. One nurse even asked if she was pregnant or thought she might be pregnant. In all, she waited nearly eight hours for the procedure to occur.

Afterward, Jennifer Moon felt ready for another baby. But it took the sudden, unexpected loss of his own mother for her husband to get on board. He wanted their daughter to have a sibling so she never had to experience something like that alone, he said.

Jennifer Moon became pregnant not long after. “It seemed like fate. My mother-in-law really wanted us to have another child — so I felt this baby was a special part of her and what she wanted for her son and granddaughter.”

Despite the joy that a pregnancy after miscarriage can bring, it is often fraught with anxiety. It’s common for all parents to worry, and that feeling is magnified after suffering a loss. As more parents come forward with their stories, one hopes we will realize we are not alone.

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