Here Come the Clowns

With just days to go until the Iowa caucuses, the American people are finally getting some real direction on who to support in the 2016 presidential races from the most important people in the world: celebrities.

A-list, B-list and even listless C-list celebrities have come forward to deliver their insightful opinions on politics, just in time to help voters make up their muddled — and clearly inferior — minds.

“We’ve been watching this election with our mouths open. We keep thinking it’s going to go away, but it hasn’t gone away,” said playwright Eve Ensler, best known for that Shakespearean work of art, “The Vagina Monologues.”

Ensler is, according to the venerable Wall Street Journal, “leading the charge” against Donald Trump.

“He’s a reality TV star — there’s a way that we’ve seen the commercialization of the presidency,” she said. “At any other time, we would all be shocked by this. The boundaries of what’s been normalized have been spread so far — and we’re saying no, we need to bring the boundaries back,” said the writer whose chief work opens with a chorus describing many young women’s and girls’ first menstrual period.

Danny DeVito, fresh off calling the entire nation “racist” after the Academy Awards nominated only white actors, is also offering his keen political insight to all those who lack his pedigree (sure, he skipped college, but he did go to a dramatic arts academy). He’s also piling on Trump.

“When (Trump) says ‘so and so are racists’ and ‘we should ban Muslims’ and all that, it’s ludicrous! It’s disgusting. You just look at how it divides us. It’s this old divide-and-conquer mentality designed to keep our heads spinning, and you don’t want to do that,” DeVito said.

“We need to pull back on it. We can’t keep dealing with regime change and all this s***!” — Danny DeVito

He prefers Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, the socialist. DeVito wants everyone to “realize that we’re all human beings who are cut from the same cloth” as he talks about his obsession with reteaching our children America’s history of “genocide” and “xenophobia.” 

“Try to elevate your children, brothers, and sisters. There are a lot of things that we should be informing the younger generation about — as well as the older people in our lives who are stuck in the mud,” DeVito said.

Feeling The Bern, he added, “Whether or not the money buys the other contenders, we still have to stay together on Bernie because Bernie’s got the goods. He really knows what he’s talking about and he’s got all the issues down. … He’ll give us the best shot at the international situation so that we don’t start blowing things up, and to try to pull back a bit on the Imperialism. We need to pull back on it. We can’t keep dealing with regime change and all this s***! You guys — the young people — have to look at this and say, ‘Enough of this crap!’”

Still not convinced? Then you need to listen to this B-List musician for guidance in the 2016 presidential campaign.

Dixie Chicks’ Natalie Maines took to Twitter and posted side-by-side images of former President Dwight D. Eisenhower and Texas Sen. Ted Cruz.

“I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity,” reads a quote from Eisenhower, compared to this quote from Cruz: “We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out.”

She then tweeted, “Just so you know, I’m ashamed Ted Cruz claims to be American.”

Maines is ashamed of America a lot. She spoke out in 2003 against President George W. Bush, saying she was “ashamed that the president of the United States is from Texas.”

Of course, that still may not be enough for you. So how about Salma Hayek, who has secured roles on TV shows — and even made-for-TV movies?

“I have a lot of hope for Hillary,” she said. “We need somebody with experience who can endure. And this woman has endured it all. Hillary is tough.”

Actress Kerry Washington said, “I’m excited for her, and I’m sure I’ll be hitting the stump trail.” Campaign trail. Stump. Stump trail. OK, whatever.

Jennifer Lopez is Team Hillary — “I think it’s time for a woman president.” Well, sure, that’s the most important qualification — the sex of the candidate.

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Susan Sarandon also likes Sanders.

“We need a leader who is courageous and levelheaded in times of crisis,” she said.

Mark Ruffalo concurs.

“I think Sanders has a message,” he told the Daily Beast. “He’s the one.”

And don’t worry about that $17 trillion in new spending.

Katy Perry makes a big push for Hillary — she did, after all, spend three hours with her at a campaign event.

“I am still learning and educating myself on the world of politics and searching for every strand of authenticity buried deep in it,” she said on Twitter. “Ladies! There are so many incredible opportunities for us that are possible: equal pay, paid leave (you don’t lose your job if you want to have a family) and YOUR choice to have a family when and if it’s RIGHT FOR YOU! These are just some of the reasons I am standing with her.”

But if all that hasn’t changed your mind, consider the brilliant words of Kid Rock. ”

I like Ben Carson. I like hearing him speak.”

The Kid sets some high standards for a candidate.