Remember discussing the “birds and the bees” with your folks? If you thought that was uncomfortable, wait until you bring up their end-of-life plans.

Some parents won’t want to discuss it, and your siblings might suggest tabling it for another time.

But the holidays are actually an ideal time to have such conversations. The family is gathered, often from faraway locales — and there are plenty of opportunities for face-to-face discussions that can provide everyone with a measure of comfort.

Still, initiating this conversation can be difficult.

“We kept putting it off,” said Marion Dunne of New York City. “Then it was too late. My mom died, and we didn’t know her bank account numbers or most of her personal financial information. Having that would have been a lot easier for us.”

Dunne’s dad passed away a number of years ago, and her mom handled their finances. When her mom died, she and her older brother and younger sister were at a loss as to where to start looking for bank and money-market accounts. She did know that her mom wanted to be buried next to her dad.

“Fortunately, when I called the funeral home, they told me that my mom made all of the arrangements around the time that my dad died,” Dunne said.

While that was taken care of, Dunne and her siblings squabbled over family mementos.

“People often behave badly after the death of a parent, especially if the relationship was difficult,” Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, and author of “It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction.”

“The best way to avoid fighting with siblings is to focus on what your parents want,” she said.

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Anthony DeFranco, a certified public accountant and certified financial planner with Couto DeFranco PA in West Orange, New Jersey, agreed.

“The holidays bring families together. Many of us think that talking about end-of-life issues may be a negative conversation and it may not be. We don’t know how our parents will react until we bring it up,” he said in an interview with LifeZette.

“It’s an important discussion to have while your parents are still alive and you can focus on what they want and need.”

He recommends the following as a guide.

8 Decisions to Discuss

  1. Have your parent choose a durable power of attorney. It could be you, another family member, or a close friend. This person makes decisions about your parent’s mental and physical health and oversees your parent’s finances.
  2. Talk to your parents about their end-of-life wishes. Ask them if they have a living will or an advance health care directive. These terms are interchangeable and they cover end-of-life decisions. If your parent becomes terminally ill, you will know your parent’s wishes regarding life support.
  3. Do your parents have a will or living trust? If they don’t have a will, make one because it’s important to have all of their intentions documented. A will covers how the property is divided so arguments will be avoided. A living trust is an alternative to a will. If your parent prefers this document, he will have to appoint one person to oversee all of his assets in case of death or if he becomes incapacitated.
  4. Do your parents have long-term care insurance? If your parents need to live in an assisted care home, the costs can deplete their savings. Long-term care insurance offsets the costs of assisted living. It’s best to purchase long-term insurance when your parents are healthy because the rates are more affordable. Policies can run between $2,000 and $5,000 a year depending on age and health.
  5. Make sure all policies are current. If some are expired, your parents may want to make changes.
  6. Know where everything is stored and how to access to all documents. If there is an account number or combination lock, you should have it. You or your siblings should have permission to access all of your parent’s documents.
  7. Introduce yourself to the certified public accountant or financial adviser managing your parents’ finances.
  8. If your parents can’t take care of themselves, you’ll need to discuss long-term care options while they are healthy. This way, they can be involved in choosing a place where they may have to live.

By planning ahead, you will make much more careful choices regarding where your parents will reside, how they will live, and how much it will cost. And key to all of this is that you’ll be incorporating their thoughts and wishes into any decision.

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