The Day I Really Got Married

One of my favorite life quotes comes from the hero of “The Princess Bride,” a perfect and classic movie by Rob Reiner.

Our hero, Westley, a humble stable boy, is separated from his true love, Princess Buttercup.

He returns to her, but in disguise — and she does not recognize him. She assumes he is dead, and laments her loss. Yet Westley criticizes her for abandoning true love.

“You mock my pain!” Buttercup screams at the masked Westley, in righteous indignation.

“Life is pain, highness,” he says with the kind of comic timing found only in movies. “Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

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If you’re a grown up, you have come to learn the truth of this notion. I’m not one to be particularly gloomy — I believe life is filled with joy. But to get to the joy, expect struggle, indignity, and sometimes, painful compromise. This leads me to a particularly poignant reminder.

Working through the Pain
It was a Saturday morning in late June 2002. My future wife and I were deep in the midst of wedding planning for our September date. We were planning it ourselves, as our families were several states away.

On this particular day we were planning to look at china. Like many typical men, I didn’t want to do this. My future wife knew I didn’t want to do this, and the tension was thick. But I had promised, and so with an (looking back now) unreasonable amount of passive-aggressive grumbling, we were preparing to endure shopping mall hell to look at plates.

Then the phone call came.

It was one of my best friends. He was calling to remind me that we had made plans months ago to head out to a local music venue to see the “Swamp Romp,” a full day of zydeco and blues from the Deep South smashed into one wonderful day. For a guy like me who has lived New Orleans, went to the New Orleans Jazz Fest every year, has played guitar and been in bands since my teens, this was heaven. Good music is my raison-d’etre.

And I had promised to look at china.

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You know that feeling when all the blood in your veins has little needles in it and suddenly it’s trickling from your head down to your feet in one painful moment? I’m sure the blood drained from my face. I don’t know what I said, but it was probably some variation of “I’ll have to call you back … Busy here, very busy….”

“Who was that?” future wife asked.

“That was Joe. The Swamp Romp is today. He has a ticket for me.”

“Oh no!” she said. “I wish you had known. We could have planned this for some other day.”

That answer cemented her status as all-around good person in my mind, but it also made clear she had not even considered the notion I was a moron who had double-booked myself.

The Decision
I was faced with a choice. I could either let down my future wife, or I could let down my friend. I could have asked her to let me go. And she would have said yes. But some part of me understood it would be unfair, and dishonorable to ask her to make that decision for me.

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This was no Sophie’s choice, but things like this tear me up. I love my friends, I love my music, and I hate to say no to anyone. But I was stuck here, and sensed something was at stake. Only later did I realize this was the first of those famous “compromises” mentioned when people talk about marriage. I knew the answer was family comes first, and she was now my family.

You know how this ends: I called my buddy back, copped to screwing up and begged off the show. He was angry, and rightfully so.

I spent the day I looking at china, with zydeco in my head, and it was horrible, a miserable day for both of us. I hated everything we looked at. Future wife was angry at me for being such a curmudgeon.

Our china is white with a silver rim, and there are other pieces with some blue. It’s nice, I guess. We’re both ambivalent, to be honest. But I see it when we have guests over and on holidays and am reminded of that day.

That was the day I really got married. I realized that day it wasn’t just about me anymore.

That was the day I really got married. I realized that day it wasn’t just about me anymore. From that day forward, my days, weeks, months and years would be filled with two schedules, and these days, with two young kids, four. But the thing is, most of the time, those schedules are on the same page, even though they involve hefty doses of compromise.

But there’s a lot more to learn and experience the new — and feel the joy — when you’re not on your own schedule, or timeline.

And regarding life? Cue the Princess Bride: “We’ll never survive,” says Buttercup as the couple enters a particularly dangerous part of their quest to be together.

“Nonsense,” Westley says. “You’re only saying that because no one ever has.”