Hollywood nanny scandals are tragic, carrying with them the stench of invaded privacy, broken trust, sexual jealousy, shattered relationships, dysfunctional families, ruined marriages — and emotionally damaged children.

But there’s more to them than just that. The nanny is trust incarnate. Those who hire them bring them into their families and literally put the lives of their most loved in their hands. If you can’t trust the nanny, who can you trust?

Nanny scandals are nothing new, but recent headlines have brought the issue to the forefront.

Ben Affleck and his nanny.
Ben Affleck and his nanny

Ben Affleck was accused of wrecking his 10-year-and-one-day, three-child marriage to Jennifer Garner by having an affair with the family nanny, Christine Ouzounian. Affleck and Garner filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences, but the rumors are still flying, undoubtedly making a messy divorce even messier. Even Affleck’s upcoming film, “Batman v. Superman,” is at risk because of public scrutiny over the ordeal.

In an eerily similar story, Gwen Stefani and singer Gavin Rossdale also filed for divorce in recent months, also citing “irreconcilable differences” after 13 years and three children. Reports that link Rossdale to their family nanny, Mindy Mann, included accusations that the bleach-blonde Mann has been channeling Stefani’s style for years.

Gwen Stefani’s look-alike nanny

It’s the anti-fairy tale ending so reminiscent of “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle,” it could only happen in Hollywood, right?

Maybe not.

It’s true that the Garner-Affleck and Rossdale-Stefani nanny scandals are only the most recent examples in a string of Hollywood marriages that fell apart from within. Jude Law-Sienna Miller, Arnold Schwarzenegger-Maria Shriver, Ethan Hawke-Uma Thurman have all experienced conscious uncoupling after the revelation that these leading men were led astray by female nannies who had “insider” access. In each case, divorce was imminent. The well being of children is merely collateral damage.

Not every nanny scandal ends in tragedy.

In the 1800s, the illicit relationship between Anglo-Irish baronet Sir Thomas Chapman and the family governess, Sarah Junner, produced an illegitimate son who would later be known as T.E. Lawrence, or Lawrence of Arabia. Certainly Lawrence was a complex, wily man, but he was also a brilliant historian, soldier, adventurer and writer who guided the Arab Revolt against the Turks and helped to turn the tide of World War I.

T.E. Lawrence, known as Lawrence of Arabia, was born out of a nanny affair.
T.E. Lawrence, known as Lawrence of Arabia, was born out of a nanny affair.

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Similarly, Georg Johannes Ritter von Trapp was the Austro-Hungarian equivalent of a baronet who lost his wife to scarlet fever and married the tutor of his five children, Maria Augusta Kutschera. The governess turned stepmother, who famously taught the von Trapp children to sing, became an iconic heroine when the family fled to America after their fortune was lost in a banking failure, and the father fell victim to the Nazi threat. The marriage of this 47-year-old to his 22-year-old nanny ended well, as chronicled in “The Sound of Music.”

On the flip side, some nanny tales have proven horrific. In 2012, a 50-year-old nanny on the Upper West Side was responsible for the stabbing deaths of 6-year-old Lucia and 2-year-old Leo Krim. The children were discovered in the bathtub by their mother, with the mentally unstable nanny, Yoselyn Ortega, by their side as she survived stabbing herself in the neck.

Maria von Trapp
Maria von Trapp

In practice, though, seeking caregiver support isn’t limited to Hollywood elite and “Primates of Park Avenue.” Modern living is increasingly expensive, complicated and competitive, often involving both parents working and more families turning to hired help to take care of children during long work days. Some “sandwich” families are seeking caregivers to manage the needs of both children and aging parents.

“Deciding which child care arrangement to use has become an increasingly important family issue as maternal employment has become the norm, rather than the exception,” said a U.S. Census Bureau report in April 2013.

Many working-class parents are hiring nannies to provide in-home care, and the demand is creating a new class of nannies, who are often college educated and professionally trained in childcare. Nevertheless, even with sophisticated systems and safeguards in place for matching nannies with the needs of a family, even middle-class families are vulnerable to the wrong hands rocking the cradle.

For families considering child care options, Hollywood nanny scandals are really hitting home. Every family wants to feel safe leaving its loved ones — both children and spouses — in the hands of a stranger hired to help.

Every family wants to feel safe leaving its loved ones — both children and spouses — in the hands of a stranger hired to help.

Beyond the basics, though, how much diligence is due when inviting a stranger into the home? What safeguards can a family implement to set appropriate boundaries for household staff?

Craigslist is probably not the best place to go nanny shopping. There are agencies across the country and around the world that screen and employ nannies and domestic help. One of many places to find links to these agencies and tips, and a great deal of information about hiring a nanny, is NannyNetwork.com.

NannyNetwork.com encourages families to hire established agencies with good reputations to add a level of protection. But for do-it-yourself-ers, here are several guidelines to follow:

  1. Inventory Your Needs: To paraphrase NannyNetwork.com: Do some thoughtful pre-planning before you even begin recruiting candidates to determine what qualifications she must have: verifiable infant-care experience, valid drivers license and a clean DMV report, insurance, English-speaking, nonsmoker, CPR certified? And what you are offering: salary, benefits, and living conditions, if she is to live-in.
  2. The Important Interview: Know what you want and what you need from a nanny prior to the interview. During the interview, see if temperaments and personalities match or clash. Know the chemistry you are looking for. Err on the side of caution and safety.
  3. Health Screening: Nannynetwork.com asked a good question: “Most states require TB testing and a health clearance for licensed facilities and day care centers. Why would you require any less for your child’s caregiver?” A complete physical from a local doctor is not out of the question. Your potential nanny might have a health problem he or she is not aware of, so all sides benefit from a complete screening.
  4. Check References: Agencies and private detectives will thoroughly check references, conduct criminal and immigration checks, and find out if there is anything worrying in a potential nanny’s background. The Internet is powerful these days, and a lot of information can be uncovered by a smart do-it-yourselfer. But this is too important not to leave to the pros.
  5. Put It in Writing. Nannynetwork.com directs: “Have every applicant complete a written application. When hired, both parents and nanny should sign a work agreement outlining what is expected of each in the partnership. Include hire date, rate of pay, review schedule, days and hours required, as well as what you expect in the way of child care and any additional duties. This agreement will protect you should she come back years later claiming, for example, that you failed to pay minimum wage.”
  6. Nurture the Relationship: A nanny-parent-child relationship is like any relationship — built on a foundation of trust, understanding, kindness, respect, and honesty. Do your best to nurture your own connection, and the dynamic will be more likely to flow from the nanny to your children.

Of course, the nanny is not entirely at fault when inappropriate relationships occur. Some husbands might need to go through as many checks and balances as a nanny, but that’s a different kettle of fish.

Certainly being a young woman thrust into the lifestyles of the rich and famous has its lures and temptations, and there are undeniable power issues involved. But these were trusting relationships that went spiraling out of control and into the public eye, and families were destroyed by a person trusted to keep them running smoothly.

Certainly being a young woman thrust into the lifestyles of the rich and famous has its lures and temptations, and there are undeniable power issues involved.

Public obsession with nanny scandals isn’t always a matter of voyeurism and schadenfreude and vicarious entertainment. There are important lessons to be learned, even when we lead more private lives. When marriage and family, and the welfare of your children is at stake, diligence is due. You can’t be too careful, because the consequences can last a lifetime.