A few friends were talking at work the other day. All are in long-term relationships, which they would characterize as happy and stable. When I brought up the subject of sleep, and specifically sharing a bed with spouses, there was much moaning and rolling of eyes.
Shawni (none of these are real names), a nurse in her early 50s, complained about her fiance’s snoring, which is often loud enough to wake her up or keep her from getting to sleep in the first place. She said their disparate schedules means she goes to bed hours later than Ken, but when he has to get up for work at 4 a.m. she usually wakes, too, then often stays awake. She admits feeling the effects of this sleep loss, especially as the work week goes on.
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Suzy also has issues with snoring, only it is she who makes the most noise at her house. Her husband of 30-plus years nudges and prods at her so she quiets down and he can sleep. Both find their sleep is broken on those nights.
Her guy likes to cuddle and hold her as they drift off each night. But John has about 100 pounds on her.
Holly, a 24-year-old esthetician, has a different problem. Her guy likes to cuddle and hold her as they drift off each night. But John has about 100 pounds on her, and when he falls fast asleep his gentle spooning becomes a crushing, smothering bear hug under which she can barely breathe. To make matters worse, they are sleeping in a queen-sized bed, which Holly says is not nearly big enough for the two of them, especially since she likes to sleep sideways.
I finally shared my own story. Mine is a tale of two temperatures. In order to sleep through the night, I want fresh air, an open window and a cool pillow. For my husband, this translates into an arctic blast. He has even resorted at times to sleeping in a thermal sweatshirt and full ski mask to survive my temperate snooze zone.
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Episodes like these play out every night in cities and suburbs across America, and indeed throughout the world. Married couples traditionally sleep together in one bed, but as with these couples, all is not as blissful as one would hope.
One study in the UK, in fact, reported that the average couple has 167 arguments per year over bedroom issues. Twenty percent claimed they lost two hours of sleep each night because of their partner’s snoring. Ten percent have considered breaking up because of their partner’s sleep problem.
Snoring, the spouse’s tossing and turning, and room temperature are the most commonly cited problems.
Research from the Better Sleep Council, the consumer education arm of the International Sleep Products Association, found that one in three Americans report that their partner’s sleep problems negatively impact their own sleep. It seems women and young adults (18- to-34-year-olds) are the most sensitive to their sleep environments. Snoring, the spouse’s tossing and turning, and room temperature are the most commonly cited problems.
But if all this co-sleeping is so miserable, why do we do it at all?
Well, the 2005 National Sleep Foundation Poll reported that 23 percent of respondents, who are married or living with someone, do not sleep with their beloved. They sleep in a separate bed, a separate bedroom, or on the couch, specifically to ensure they both get a good night’s sleep.
Still, the large majority of couples say they would prefer to sleep together, even if they do not. Sleep is an inherently vulnerable state. It’s nearly impossible to fall asleep unless we feel safe. As social beings, humans derive a sense of security from our social environment.
Women, especially, felt more comfortable when sleeping with their partners.
Wendy Troxel, clinical psychologist and behavioral scientist at RAND Corp., has explored this issue and explained it to ABC News this way: “This fundamental need for safety and security at night may explain why we generally prefer to sleep with another human being, even when sharing a bed may not always result in the best quality sleep.”
Troxel’s own research at the University of Pittsburgh has shown that when people sleep together, the quality of their sleep, as measured by brain wave activity and motion sensors, is much lower than when they sleep alone. Reports of satisfaction with their sleep, is just the opposite however. Women, especially, felt more comfortable when sleeping with their partners.
So there’s the dilemma. Is sleeping with our partners good for us, or not? The answers are probably as varied as we are. It is probably “sometimes yes and sometimes no.”
The important thing is for couples to be able to talk about their sleep differences openly, honestly and with compassion. Just because two people have incompatible sleep habits does not mean the marriage is doomed. It can be a tricky discussion though.
When men have poor sleep, they are more likely to have negative interactions with their partners the next day.
Jennifer Adams of Brisbane, Australia, calls herself “a dedicated separate sleeper.” She and her husband learned early on that although they love each other very much and cherish their intimate moments, they simply cannot share a bed and sleep at the same time.
Adams has written a book and a blog that serves as a framework for that delicate conversation couples may need to have if they feel they need to change their sleeping arrangements.
“Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart” suggests when, why and how couples might talk about sleeping separately without it leading to a separation.
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Experts agree that good sleep is essential to our physical and mental health. We simply cannot be at our best without it. Troxel points out that when men have poor sleep, they are more likely to have negative interactions with their partners the next day. For women, how they interact with their partners that day predicts how soundly they will sleep that night. Taken together, these interactions create a vicious cycle that could eventually take down the relationship altogether.
So the question remains: To share a bed or seek separate refuge for the night?
I think I’ll sleep on it.
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