‘Star Wars’ Tie-ins for Real

The Force isn't strong with this merchandise

These aren’t really the movie tie-ins you’re looking for. Trust us.

A whole new generation of “Star Wars”-inspired action figures, a Millennium Falcon bed and even duct tape adorned with Wookies and droids are flooding store shelves after last week’s “Force Friday” event.

It’s like the Black Friday of the “Star Wars Episode VII — The Force Awakens” shopping season.

These tie-ins have played an important role in “Star Wars’” history, with creator George Lucas famously forgoing his director’s fee in exchange for the merchandising rights. He became a very, very wealthy man from that one shrewd decision.

With Walt Disney Co.’s $4-billion acquisition of Lucasfilm, we’re now guaranteed a steady stream of toys and the like to accompany the raft of new movies coming our way starting Dec. 18.

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While many of the affiliations have made sense (think the child’s “Star Wars”-inspired bedroom in Ben Affleck’s “Argo”), this is not always the case. The difference between kitsch and crap, of course, is in the eye of the beholder. But some things cross the line of good taste and common sense.

Behold …

Star Wars Duct Tape
Available for the first time, the “Star Wars” brand of duct tape can solve all your emergency needs. There’s nothing like Chewbacca and a stormtrooper helping join together both sides of the Force. Still, with all of its flexibility and longevity, this duct tape could end in a galaxy far, far away.

Star Tours Officer
While the idea of Disney’s purchase of the “Star Wars” franchise was light years away, the Mouse House and Lucasfilm have always enjoyed a chummy bond. Case in point: The Star Tours ride at Disney’s Hollywood Studios has been an attraction for years. But who would be interested in an action figure based on one of the ride’s attendants? After all, what kids would want to play with a Death Star Lego set when they can battle the Galactic Empire with this self-indulgent “toy”?

Darth Vader Burger
Oh, the French! That haute cuisine puts the rest of the world to shame. The escargot. The foie gras. The Darth Vader Burger. That’s right, the same country that served up the Royale with cheese provided us with a black-bun hamburger to celebrate the release of “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace” in 3-D. Given the quality of the film, a black burger is probably called for. What’s next, Jar Jar for dessert?

Jar Jar Binks Mega Mouth Candy
Actually, yes. After you’ve finished off your Sith burger, you can now try Jar Jar’s candified tongue. No, that’s not a metaphor. Someone actually thought it would be cute to have kids get sugared up with the confused Gungan. As if the character didn’t ruin enough people’s movie going experience, now he’s causing cavities.

Christmas in the Stars
Yes, 1978’s “Star Wars Holiday Special” was so terrible that Lucasfilm only let it be broadcast once (unless you are a glutton for punishment and want to watch the debut of Boba Fett — and a singing Bea Arthur — on YouTube). Despite receiving a death sentence on 12 systems, Lucas again got into the Christmas spirit by producing “Christmas in the Stars,” a holiday album narrated and sung by C-3PO’s Anthony Daniels.

It features such memorable hits as “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)” and “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” The album is notable for another thing — it was the professional recording debut of a Jon Bon Jovi. Now we know who to blame.

May the Force be with you as you plot your “Star Wars” holiday shopping.

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