Bernie won!

If you have been pining for the day when America becomes a new Cuba and are sorely disappointed that in eight years President Obama only managed to take us halfway there, then rejoice, because Americans will all be drinking Cuba Libres real soon.

That’s because voters elected the first-ever socialist president, and Bernie Sanders is intent on following the Castro regime’s model of government. So what’s he up to in his first 100 days? Oh so many things (and while we’re just guessing here, if he really is elected, we’re thinking it might actually be much, much worse).

Pay Up, Richie Rich
Just like Hillary (and Obama), President Sanders thinks the wealthy are cheating all Americans. After all, the top 20 percent of income earners pay a mere 84 percent of all income taxes. Clearly not enough. So during the campaign, Bernie promised “to send the billionaire class this message: ‘You can’t have it all.’”

“You can’t get huge tax breaks while children in this country go hungry,” Bernie said. “You can’t continue sending our jobs to China while millions are looking for work. You can’t hide your profits in the Cayman Islands and other tax havens, while there are massive unmet needs on every corner of this nation. Your greed has got to end.”

But Sanders, who now lives in a 55,000-square-foot house and is a bona fide member of the 1 percent he so despises, has decided to keep his $400,000 annual salary as president (along with a $50,000 annual expense account, a $100,000 nontaxable travel account, and $19,000 for entertainment). He invested much of his stash with Google and Apple while dropping the rest in the bank — in the Caymans. Like any good Democrat, he just wants other people to do as he says — he certainly isn’t going to give the government all of his hard-earned money.

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More Money for the Rich
Bernie promised during the campaign to spend $1 trillion on shovel-ready jobs (after he collects all that cash from those horrible billionaires, we’re guessing). He has now presented his plan to Congress for “rebuilding our crumbling roads, bridges, railways, airports, public transit systems, ports, dams, waste water plants, and other infrastructure needs,” and guess what? The Democrats are on board, big time.

But Bernie’s plan as president goes further — a lot further. Sure, he’s going to fix all that stuff, but he’s also going to get all those oil stains off all those driveways across America, collect all that lint by the dryer, get that one bare patch on every American lawn to finally grow some grass, finally get that sliding glass door back on its track (cost: $540 billion).

Sure, Obama already spent a trillion dollars, and sure, government watchdogs have found that lots of that cash went to states that voted for Obama, and to Democrats (shocker). But here’s the good news: There just aren’t that many Socialists in the U.S., so maybe this time the stimulus will actually stimulate something.

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Getting Big Money Out of Politics
Bernie pledged to get big money out of politics. As he said: “Our democracy is under fierce attack. Billionaire families are now able to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to buy the candidates of their choice. These people own most of the economy. Now they want to own our government as well.”

As president, Bernie has taken swift action, single-handedly overturning the Citizens United case (that Supreme Court thinks it’s so powerful. How about a little executive order, SCOTUS?). One thing Obama taught all of us is how to use his “phone and a pen” to override federal law and high court rulings. Hillary wanted to do this, too, but all her big money from special interest groups wasn’t enough to beat Bernie.

Bernie’s plan: Tax everyone to death, then no one will have a cent. Now that’s freedom — to a Socialist, anyway.

Tackling Global Warming
Whoops. We meant to say “climate change.” Sorry.

Bernie’s on top of that, too. As a senator, he led opposition to the Keystone XL Pipeline, and upon his election, gas has spiked to $5 a gallon (just as the Obama administration had always hoped). With a stroke of his pen, Sanders has killed those mean old coal plants, too (the ones that provide most of America’s energy), and he plans to spend billions more on greenhouse gases (as a senator, he demanded $3.2 billion in stimulus funds go to “upgrades for more than 86,000 buildings and … more than 9,500 solar energy systems”).

To do his part, President Bernie has installed rainwater barrels around the White House, now dries his laundry by hanging it over the railing on the South Portico and is selling Air Force One, opting instead for a fleet of presidential kayaks.

Maximum Wage
Bernie is trying to get people better paying jobs. Now that he’s president, he’s pushing for a $25 minimum wage, with another hike to $50 an hour by 2020. Yes, lots of companies will have to slash their staffs, but BS has got a plan there, too. Once millions lose their jobs, they’ll need to go on the government dole. And that will create tons of well-paying jobs — in the government. How else will the feds be able to keep up with the demand for free money?

The bottom line is that Bernie means well, and he’s not much of a numbers guy. How can you explain that as a senator he once secured $5.5 billion to create 1 million jobs for young people. A noble effort, maybe, but that comes out to $5,500 per job, not exactly a livable wage. Still, his heart’s in the right place, and that’s all that really counts — at least to Democrats.

We’re Sorry!
Bernie never mentioned anything about foreign policy during his campaign. He still hasn’t. When he was asked about it at his first White House press conference, he scoffed, shook his shock of white hair and stormed out. His stance: No foreign policy is the best foreign policy. But he has proposed cutting defense spending another $18 billion so college kids can get free tuition. And while still only rumors, there’s word he plans to turn America’s aircraft carriers into floating greenhouses that grow arugula.

He just doesn’t see the need for the United States to be sticking its nose into other people business. And that’s why he took unilateral action on Day 1 and signed over all authority for military action to the United Nations. What’s more, Sanders decided that his vice president, Alec Baldwin, will go on a 100-nation Apology Tour to express regrets to every country that’s ever been offended by America. When he announced the move, Michelle Obama said it was the second time she’d ever been proud of her country.

His first stop, Havana.

Cuba here we come!

James Simpson is an economist, former White House budget analyst, businessman and investigative journalist. Follow Jim on Twitter & Facebook.