Olympics Get Supersexed

Political riots. Slow ticket sales and promised-but-nonexistent funding. Bankrupt contractors. Substandard facilities. Body parts and sewage doing the backstroke in Guanabara Bay.

The obstacles against the Rio Olympics look insurmountable before the events even begin. But the opening ceremonies will still be sexy.

Maybe the “best” Rio has to offer the world during its Olympics blowout is sheer sex appeal.

Enter Brazil’s most famous woman, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, who, considering how scantily clad she often is, is actually one of Victoria’s worst-kept secrets. She will strut into the 78,639-seat Maracanã Stadium to the tune of “The Girl from Ipanema”(what else?). Brazilian musician Paolo Jobim, son of the song’s late composer Antonio Jobim, will perform the iconic tune as Gisele sashays by.

Add in this weird twist: The Daily Mail reports that dress rehearsal witnesses claim Bundchen will be “assaulted” during this scene in an effort to portray a realistic picture of Brazil’s social problems. Police officers will then chase the assailant around the huge stadium before the supermodel somehow offers her protection and forgiveness to the criminal.

If this sounds different any other opening ceremonies — it’s because it probably is.

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Rio has problems, including the fact that crime has torn through the Olympic facilities and  scientists predict the Zika virus will gain ground because of warm temperatures and expected sexual promiscuity in Olympic Village (giveaways will include mosquito repellant, 450,000 condoms, and 175,000 packets of anti-viral lubricant).

Terrorism remains a constant threat at such a large and celebrated venue (85,000 additional police forces have been summoned). Maybe the best Brazil has to offer the world during its Olympics blowout is sheer sex appeal.

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Bundchen, 35, will be coming out of retirement for the opening ceremonies, which are slated to air on NBC starting at 7:30 p.m. ET Friday. (It’s not live. NBC has opted for a one-hour tape delay on the East Coast; four-hour delay on the West Coast. Are they worried about what we might see? They claim it’s to be able to “put it into context,” NBC Sports Group Chairman Mark Lazarus said, according to USA Today.)

Cryptically themed “futuristic gateway,” the show is predicted by The Daily Mail to be the “sexiest ever” for an Olympics program. What else besides bronzed, leggy beauties should one expect from Brazil, a country that has long worshiped the perfect female form and produced some of the world’s greatest supermodels?

As long as Bundchen is not dressed as “gold bikini Princess Leia” or something equally campy, enduring the show without cringing might be possible. From all reports, however, Leia’s famous “barely there” costume would cover more skin than what Rio is planning. An unnamed source told The Daily Mail, “There will be lots of nearly naked women doing the samba. The costumes have been designed to show off as much flesh as possible, which means as little material as they can get away with.”

In other words, they’re planning to get away with a whole lot. Since Brazil’s infinitesimal Olympics budget has been much maligned and questioned, the country is effortlessly saving money on costume fabric. Some 6,000 mostly naked dancers will perform an homage to “the evolution of the people of Brazil.” The event will also include a tribute to Brazilian icons such as Carnival and the rain forest, and world-famous Brazilian soccer player Pelé, 76, has been invited to light the torch that begins the Games.

Despite the problems, officials remain positive about the occasion. Brazilian filmmaker and producer, Andrucha Waddington, part of the creative team setting up the opening ceremonies, said in a press conference, “We are confident the show will be outstanding without an outstanding budget.”

And, almost as a pièce de résistance, NBC is adding Brazilian supermodels Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima to Ryan Seacrest’s nightly Olympic coverage recaps. (Just in case viewers need more attractive women to ogle.) They’ll present features and offer commentary from NBC’s Copacabana Beach Studio.

An estimated 1 billion viewers are expected to tune in to Rio’s spectacle of skin — but just as with any Super Bowl halftime extravaganza, we’re hoping the opening ceremonies don’t “outshine” (with tanning oil or sweat) the real show: the athletes’ performances.