A Millennials’ Guide to the Clintons

Congressional committees and the Clintons are the roadrunner and coyote of modern American politics. The Clintons are the clever, slippery, impossible-to-catch road-runner while the Congressional committees are the bumbling, self-exploding coyote, and every Clinton investigation they undertake is an Acme rocket pre-ordained to blow up in their face.

From past experience, we know that Clinton presidencies are all about shutting down the business of America because there is call to investigate the president. And, despite the ongoing motif of Clintonian indignation, their scandals are always of their own making. Calling the Clintons corrupt is like calling the Grand Canyon “that ditch in Arizona.”

Donald Trump sometimes says dumb things, but the Clinton’s Chicago-style deep dish corruption is a black plague to democracy.

Millennials — especially those who supported Sen. Bernie Sander in the primaries — have been shocked and angered by Clinton’s mendacity and propensity toward scandal. Those of us who remember the 90’s well, however, are less shocked.

Here’s a quick user’s guide to recognizing and navigating a Clinton scandal:

First, understand the anatomy of a Clinton scandal. Then, slice it open to find its seeds.
Clinton Scandals are like Russian nesting dolls. You look inside the big one and that’s where you’ll find another and another. There’s an old axiom that it’s not the crime that gets you, it’s the cover-up. The Clintons are living proof that it’s nothing more than an axiom.

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You remember the Benghazi scandal, and how the investigation of the Select committee on Benghazi discovered the entirely new scandal that Hillary Clinton had used a private email server when she was secretary of state.

But you might not remember Whitewater — a scandal that started when Staying Alive by the BeeGees was tearing up the Billboard charts and ended when the popularity of The Backstreet Boys was peaking. Clinton’s go-to attack on Trump is that some of his business ventures have failed. Trump steaks. Some of his casinos. But nobody ever talks about the time the Clintons tried their hand as entrepreneurs. They bought some land to build some condos; years of federal investigations would follow. Those investigations stumbled across more scandals, two in particular:

1) Travelgate was discovered as part of an investigation into Whitewater. In 1993, the Clintons allegedly dismissed travel office workers to hire cronies on the taxpayer dime. Hillary Clinton, who was accused of being ringleader of the scandal, was appalled at the accusations. Seven years later, a story in the L.A. Times summed up a report by independent counsel Robert Ray, saying “There is ‘substantial evidence’ that First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton lied under oath in denying that she played a role in the 1993 White House travel office firings.” What a surprise.

2) Filegate was discovered investigating Travelgate. In this scandal, the administration improperly accessed hundreds of confidential FBI files. Some belonging to prominent Republicans. According to the New York Times, Hillary Clinton called it “a completely honest bureaucratic snafu.”

Second, understand that the characters never really change.
Like Shakespeare’s history plays, the dramatis personae of Clinton scandals always has a lot of familiar names. For instance, Virginia governor Terry McAuliffe is in the news of late because, according to the Wall Street Journal, he donated half a million bucks to a state senate candidate who happened (yeah, right) to be the wife of the deputy director of the FBI who was heavily involved in the Clinton server case.

What you might not remember is that 23 years ago, Terry McAuliffe was a finance director at the DNC selling access to the Clintons and the White House. Want to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom? Want to go jogging with Bill? Sure, it’ll cost you, but the priceless memory will last a lifetime. Of course, a pay-to-play scheme that simplistic seems quaint compared to how the Clintons roll now. Imagining them selling a White House sleep-over for a few thousand bucks is like imaging teenage Wright Brothers making paper airplanes.

Third, understand that Clinton scandals are like rainbows; they always lead to a pot of gold.
The philosopher Snoop Dogg once said, “I’m a’ be right there, right by where the cash be.” And that is the Clintons’ philosophy as well.

Pardongate is the most glaring example of Clinton quid-pro-quo-ism. Denise Rich donated nearly half a million bucks to Clinton’s presidential library. Her husband, billionaire Marc Rich — who was basically a real life version of Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies — received a drive-by pardon from Bill Clinton on his way out of office. Even the liberal media ripped him for it at the time. The quid-pro-quo was blatant dripping with typical Clinton slime.

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Bill Clinton, radiating classic, retina-burning Clinton indignation wrote an op-ed saying, “There was absolutely no quid pro quo.” Take that quote, put it to music, and the Clintons have their theme song.

The Clintons will probably spend the rest of their lives being the subjects of Federal Investigations. And certainly — if Hillary Clinton is elected president — they’ll spend the next four years being investigated by the FBI and half a dozen Congressional committees.

Donald Trump sometimes says dumb things, but the Clinton’s Chicago-style deep dish corruption is a black plague to democracy. The Clintons make horrible, self-serving decisions, they surround themselves with odious people, and no matter who else winds up in jail, the Clintons always manage to slither away more rich and powerful than ever before.