Jeb Finally Makes the Big Leagues

Get ready to pack the family into the car and head out for a sunny day of baseball at “Right to Rise” park because Jeb Bush, along with running mate Derek Jeter, entered a winning bid to buy the Florida Marlins. Please clap.

The group led by Bush and Jeter bid $1.3 billion. There are some questions as to whether or not Bush/Jeter 2017 have actually raised the full amount yet, but — if anybody can raise a billion dollars, it’s Jeb. By the way, will the MLB allow an oil well in center field? Asking for a friend.

Because if Jeb has an Achilles’ heel, it’s bringing home the third win that turns two-time champions into a dynasty.

I sent a request for comment to former Texas Rangers owner and former President George W. Bush asking if it’s super-annoying when your little brother tries to copy everything you do, but he has yet to respond.

Ownership changes often cause instability for professional sports teams, which — given Jeb Bush’s failed presidential bid — may have Marlins fans concerned about how the team will fare under the new owners. Here’s a list of the top-10 questions likely swirling through the minds of Marlins fans as details of the deal are finalized:

10) Will the new lineup be low-energy?
Just like politicians, baseball teams perform better when the fans are awake. In 2015 and 2016, when Donald Trump was filling up stadiums with thousands of enthusiastic supporters, Bush was bringing people in by the dozens and putting them to sleep with policy lectures and his extreme moderatism.

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9) Will the team create huge expectations during spring training and then fail to perform during the regular season?
Remember when the media were touting Jeb Bush like his nomination was pre-ordained? He was running way ahead of the overcrowded pack. Bush was sitting pretty at 17 percent — a nice, full six-point cushion separating him from his closest competitor.

Then Donald Trump said he was going to “build a wall.” While Trump maxed out at 47 percent in the RealClearPolitics average, Bush would spend the rest of his campaign free-falling from his 17 percent apex.

8) Will the Marlins appeal to baseball fans outside of Florida? In places like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, that is.
Because being popular outside the region is great for merchandise sales. The Dallas Cowboys didn’t become “America’s team” by limiting their appeal to the Dallas market.

7) Will the “i” in the middle of the word Marlins be flipped upside down to make an exclamation point?
Because Jeb Bush knows that when consumers find a product bland, nothing spices things up like an exclamation point. It’s the punctuation mark that takes vanilla ice cream and turns it into 31 flavors. Not even high-priced stars like Brice Harper or Miguel Cabrera will have the stadium-packing power of that new “Marl!ns” logo.

6) Will the outfield wall be torn down as an “act of love?”
Because Jeb Bush hates walls.

During the primaries, mocking the border wall was one of the tactics that helped transform Jeb Bush’s candidacy from boat to submarine. This is an issue where Jeb Bush missed the zeitgeist by so much he looked like Mr. Magoo playing a game of pin-the-issue on the voting bloc. He also referred to illegal immigration as “an act of love.” About 5 percent of Republicans agreed.

5) Will tickets only be sold to donors and lobbyists?
Remember how the debate crowds would cheer for Bush when he ripped the shrink-wrap off those pre-packaged zingers and fired them at Donald Trump? Who would have guessed that debate crowds aren’t a representative sample of the GOP primary electorate?

4) Does Jeb’s mom think baseball has had enough Bushes?
Because she tried to tell him not to run for president. She said on TV in 2013 that “we’ve had enough Bushes.” How could a man Jeb Bush’s age not know that you always listen to your mother?

3) Will fellow Floridian Marco Rubio be welcome to attend the games?
Before Chris Christie put an end to Marco Rubio by pointing out his political maneuvering during a debate, Marco Rubio did the exact same thing to Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush attacked Rubio for not showing up to the Senate, and Rubio responded by saying, “someone has convinced you that attacking me is going to help you.” Bush responded with the sheepishness of an overcome-with-regret Chihuahua that just bit a bear.

No need to worry about this, Marlins fans. History suggests Rubio will buy season tickets but not show up to the games.

2) Is Bush the guy who can bring a third World Series championship to Florida?
Because if Jeb has an Achilles’ heel, it’s bringing home the third win that turns two-time champions into a dynasty.

1) Will Jeb eventually abandon the team in order to pursue his dream of painting?
Because, you know, that’s what his big brother is doing now.